But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- White to Black Saying you want to get better is the easy part. Actually putting it into a course of action is almost impossible... Maybe even so. I returned home yesterday morning. It was so hard to say goodbye, to return from white to black. I boarded a small plane that flew over the mountains and desert, half there, but half in the past. I left behind the loudness, the laughter, the safety, the pure sureness of life. I entered uncertainty, fear, choice, and anger. My brother swore at me over a simple question. My mom went and took a nap. No celebration. Only an expectancy that this is only temporary, that I will soon be back in treatment. I will not. I am determined. I may not be strong, but I am determined. This is my last chance. Do or die. I already know that. It is obvious to me how sensitive my body is. Already, after only one can of Diet Coke my heart is racing and I feel nauseated. No more laxatives, no more vomiting, no more starving, and no more omitting insulin injections. I am stronger now. I gained weight. I weigh more now then I thought I would ever weigh. And as I think about it, how I miss those beatiful bones, jutting out, fleshless, vacant space where once flesh occupied. Now it is back. I cry, I am sad, but I am strong. I am strong and I do not fear that each breath, each beat of my heart might be my last. I know I don't have to space my time by hospitalizations or treatment any longer. I am determined. I will be a doctor. I will live in a small beach house in San Fransisco. Someday my scale will not weigh my worth. Yesterday I ate too much. I could have cried. I was so tempted to purge, to buy laxatives, to not eat for the rest of the day, but I knew that would only lead to the Hell that once held me captive. So I didn't. And I am fine. I have energy. And I am leaving for San Lois Obispo today to go look at a college with my best friend here for two days. For now, I am free. XOXO Dimstar 10:07 a.m. - 2003-08-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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