But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hanging, not Hung All day, something. Do I even know what it is, or why? I think that I need protein. Our house contains refined carbohydrates. Nothing else. No fruits (excluding raisins and frozen blueberries) no vegetables, no lunch meat, no tofu, no beans, no soymilk. Nada. I am supposed to be on a meal plan. Ok, so how does exchanging all my exchanges for brownies sound? Sounds good. Yea, so does a nice box of Dulcolax. We could also throw in a few purges, lie on the couch all day, skip insulin, lose weight, sleep, lose our vision, have a heart attack, die... Or just waste our life. Yea, no thanks. I think that going to Vons tomorrow sounds very good, thank you. Why, so does getting back on track with my meal plan! So, my ultimate question is, why in the hell is recovery so hard? I want it more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. I pray each night before I go to bed for it, I wish on stars for it, I hold my breath under the tunnel for it, I follow so called professional advice blindly on it, all because I cannot stand this fucking eating disorder any longer! Yet it still nags. A black cloud blocking out my goals, my dreams, my ambitions, telling me that I can never become a medical doctor because I am not smart enough, good enough, thin enough, or determined enough. And where in the hell does thin come into becoming a great pediatrician? I am so scared. So scared that I won't quit. I am staying strong right now. I am hanging on to the rope of life, of my dreams, of my future, but how long until that rope hangs me? And on and on that voice goes...slowly it grasps the knot, tightening it, trying to kick me off my teeter-totter, into a harsh past reality. I will not be hung. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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