But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dancing on a Lifeline I am so scared. I am returning back to Center for Discovery tomorrow, which is a Godsend. My first full day home. I cannot do it. I did not do well. When will this all stop? I woke up at 9:30 this morning and could hear my mom griping on the phone about me to my aunt. When she got off the phone I got up and ate my breakfast. I took my insulin. Then she started yelling at me about the price of my plane ticket. I grabbed for the bag of yogurt covered raisins, a drive so strong that I could not defeat it ran through my body. I suddenly feel ill. I reach into the bag and realize that there is nothing left. It had been a full bag minutes ago. Did I do this? I close my door, lie on my bed, and stare up. "I will not vomit. I will not vomit." But what now? What about my insulin? What about my meal plan? Whatever did I do? What am I going to do? I fall asleep, head sinking into darkness, my mind full of fears and horrors that push me off my boat into the harsh sea of truths. I might not be able to do this. My eating disorder is very strong. Diabetes makes it a catch 22. There is always a back-up plan. I can eat now, I can fall asleep to not purge, I can stay away from the store, but insulin is a need. To not do it means weight loss. There is no time limit. My head pounds as I take a long drag of my cigarette. My stomach hurts. All it will take is one simple shot. One shot and I will be fine. I cannot. I will not. I do not deserve it. I will do it later. Really I will. Finally it is night. I get up the nerve to check my blood sugar, though I know my meter will flash the scariest sign possible. "HI" I am somewhere above 600. My mouth tastes of sticky cotton, and no matter how much I drink I cannot quench my thirst. I sit here contemplating what to do. I am so fearful, yet I cannot give in. My mind becomes a whirling wind, destructing every positive thought in its path. My only hope is tomorrow I go back to Center for Discovery, where I am safe. I wish I was not here. I wish I was someone else. My hair, I streaked it again. It looks as a seagull had a bad episode of yellow diahhrea on my head. I cannot cry. I can do nothing. Do not let it consume me. I will be stronger. I will not be an invalid anymore, no more shall I be a drain on society. I will become a doctor. I will be happy. Tomorrow.... I will quit tomorrow. How far away is tomorrow? As I dance farther and farther on the thin ice, away from the safe land, trying to get to the other side, the side I can never reach, I swing in the middle wondering, "When will the ice give through to the freezing blue water that will chill my vanes and stop my heart?" I have two tomorrows. Which one will eventually become my today? 11:59 p.m. - 2003-07-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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