But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is Me, Dimstar Hi Everyone, This is Gwen. I am on an overnight pass. I want to let all of you know that I am doing well in treatment. I finally got to my target weight and though I am not completely happy with myself I know that I cannot go back to the hell that once consumed me. Every night I have nightmares of that. I was almost in a coma when I went in because my blood acid levels were so high from skipping my insulin for so many months. Yes, I did get thin. I also lost half the hair on my head, developed osteoporosis, heart problems, overactive bladder problems...etc. The worst is all the hours I spent with my head hanging over the toilet bowl, sitting on the toilet bowl with everything flushing out of me, lying in a hospital bed, puking outside, starving and exercising until I was sure I would pass out, and praying to God that I would make it through the night. Never again, I say, never again. But why is it so hard? I am now 18. You know what first pops in to my mind as I walk through the store? Hmmm... Now I can buy Metabolife! and you know what? I made my heart condition even worse with that. It is all so hard. I admit, even today I saved half my exchanges for nightime snack, then pigged out. My next thought? I wonder when I can puke. The difference? I didn't act on it. I took my insulin and sat with it. Now I know that I am going back to Center for Discovery tomorrow. I know that that might be why I am doing well. I must say that I am terrified of the day when I must return home, away from the controlled environment that keeps me safe. The whole way back home my family bickers. I begin to zone out, thinking about things that I don't want to think about, thinking about how stressed my mom is about money, thinking about how they always swear, and how though I am in a car full of people how sad and lonely I am. I stare out the window to the desolate land, I see the rain, I hear the pounding on the car windows, and I drift off into fantasy land. I think of the days that I was thin. The days when every pair of pants fell off of me, when I could make anything look good on me, when my cheekbones protruded and I knew that I was thin. It was never enough. Down the rabbit hole I went. And the voices. They still won't go away, but they aren't as strong. I don't hate myself any more than I used to. I also don't hate myself any less. I still want to sleep on the floor because I feel like I don't deserve a bed. I am always putting myself down without even realizing it. I still am so scared. I am scared that I am going to die from this. If I die from this I will have accomplished nothing. Anorexia and bulimia are no way to die. You suffer so much. Every movement is a struggle. Every second is a struggle for survival. I own an insatiable hunger. There is not enough of anything to fill it, so I kept stuffing it, denying it, driving it out, anything. I hid away. I gave up my life. I am too afraid to live, too afraid to die. So I constantly hang in between the lines, but that doesn't work. Eventually I had to choose. So I chose life and I went into treatment. It wasn't that simple. I fought so hard. Every night I prayed that God would let me make it through another night. My lungs were full of toxins from skipping insulin and bingeing on thousands of calories from carbohydrates, so much so that sometimes I couldn't breathe. My heart would race, my legs felt ready to give out, but I could not quit. I could make it to the kitchen to binge, but I couldn't sit up to my homework. Eventually I would make it halfway to the kitchen to make it half way through the hall, doused in sweat, lie down, and fall asleep for hours. Yes, I got where I wanted. I got to the weight where I wanted people to see me. They never saw me because I was too sick to see them. I don't want to sound like a lecturer, but if you can, stop now. If you haven't started but are thinking about it, don't. I used to tell myself in seventh grade that I could stop whenever I wanted to. That it was really no big deal. Once I got thin enough I would take pictures and eat whatever I wanted. I never got there. I regressed into an illness that took over my entire being. Now every second is a struggle to escape. I am terrified that it will never end, and that I will be only a shell with a tormented soul. I say I want to be myself, and so I try to see myself, and then I begin to hate myself for who I am and what is within, and all I see is dim. A darkness that consumes my soul, my heart is half my body whole. The voice whispers, do not dispair, you get thin, then they will care. So I try and I try, until I realize that I am very ill and that I might just die, but I can't escape, it took me, and I don't even know why. I shove my fears, I hide my tears, and it only hunger I taste as my body begins to waste. Now it is too late, I cannot stop, they are planning my funeral, waiting for me to die, I won't let it happen, I need help! I cry. Then it happens and I escape, sometimes I wonder if it is real, did I die or am I really awake? People care, at least they say, and though it is not always good I am happy to be alive, to be here on this rainy day. I really want to thank all of you who wrote me. Wolfstone, Claire, Victoria, Kelly, Ellen, Alison, and Andria... I am so thankful for all of your support. You have all been so kind to me and I hope that we always keep in touch. I wrote you all back. I am sorry it took me a bit to get back to all of you because I have tons of groups and therapy assignments. I promise you that I think of you each and every day, praying that life gets better for you. I am working very hard right now. I honestly say that my computer kept me alive because of all the support I have recieved. You have all kept me going. I won't be writing again for quite a while but drop me a line and I will write you via snail mail. P.S- should I buy a lottery ticket? ;) xoxo Gwen 11:43 p.m. - 2003-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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