But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Undeserving My mom takes me shopping. I see the fear in her eyes, the sadness, the animosity towards my eating disorder. Why did I try on those shorts in front of her? Why? Because the saleslady said, "Can I ask you a very weird question?" Studdering, I replied, "S sure." "Can I see what those shorts look like after you try them on?" "Of course!" I reply, a bit overenthusiastic sounding, especially because this is the last thing that I want to do. I would rather be invisible. I show her. I like the shorts. They actually give me a flat butt and make my thighs not seem so bulgy. "You are really thin," She remarks, "I don't think they would look good on me but they are really cute on you." "Thanks!" This has made my day, I think. With the encouragement of the saleslady I end up with a pair of pants, three shirts, and a pair of shorts. The bill totals $204.00 Freaking out, I try to convince my mom to let me take them back. Lately I always do this right after I buy something. "Mom, please let me take them back! That is too much. I don't need them." "Gwen, quit this! You have such a hard time finding anything that fits. You are acting so weird lately." In a way I realize what she is talking about. I cry far too often over the smallest things, make sure everyone has gotten all they want to eat before I take any food for dinner, (this makes my mom really agitated and now she calls me first for dinner)try and give everyone my things if they like them, such as my friends my clothes, my mom the cell phone, and if I am eating something and someone asks for a bite they will inevitably end up with the whole thing. All I really want to do is hide in my room amongst diet sodas and books, curled under my electric blanket with the cooler on 60 Farenheit. In two months I shall be 18, and this option will disappear, unless I get terribly ill. Even then I doubt I would be able to do that. I have to finish school, go to college, get a job...etc. Why? Why is life such a torment? My number one highlight is sending my friend a package and finding out how much she appreciated it. I never thought I could make anyone so happy. My endless gratitude to her for making me feel truly happy. Take care everyone. xoxo Gwen 9:55 a.m. - 2003-05-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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