But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emptiness I finally saw the cardiologist. I was expecting to only get an EKG, but I ended up also getting an Echo and being put on a heart monitor. The heart monitor had eight leads and I tried to act normal, but it was obvious that I wasn't, especially when we went to the store and they opened a new check-out lane, had three people bagging our groceries, and someone automatically help us out. I started a new medication for my acid reflux. I really hope it helps. Everything burns terribly bad in my back whenever I swallow anything. My stomach is in a complete state of turmoil. Granted, this makes it easier to puke, but it is a terrible inconvenience. I almost fell out of the chair at the pharmacy when they told me my Zofran costs $546. "What! No one should have to pay that much! Mom forget it, please." "Gwen, the insurance pays for it. You need it. We don't need any more trips to the ER." "Not even insurance should have to pay that much." Easter was nice. I ended up doing all the cleaning and setting out dishes, but I didn't really mind. The only thing that bothered me was all the while my brother vegged out in front of a skate video and laughed like a jack ass. I ate a lot of pie, and forced myself not to throw up. "Gwen, its Easter. You can eat one day!" I told myself that over and over again. I went to bed early to avoid the temptation, and woke up at 3:00am very swollen and hot. Just. My. Luck. I dreamed of living in a boarding school where you could smoke. All my friends had become anorexic and thinner than me. I tried to discourage them, but to no avail. Then Dr. Shaikh, my favorite therapist of all time, showed up and made me feel better. I woke up, on the verge of tears. So empty inside, I wanted to cry. No tears would form. I walk into the night, feel the cold on my face, look around... I am nothing, yet I am so much. I never want to eat again. Not a morsel shall enter my body. I am unworthy. 3:04 a.m. - 2003-04-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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