But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Near Death Experience Every day that I wake up I tell myself that I will not binge. I set up a meal plan for myself. It never works. I always find an excuse to open the cupboards and devour everthing in my path, until there is nothing good left, until I look pregnant and can barely walk, until I can think of nothing but how sick I feel. Until I am numb. Every day I wait for the phone call that says I am going to a residential. It has not come. I remember when I was in UCSF and they said I would probably be dead in six hours. That is one of the few things I remember. I was paralyzed and there were over ten doctors surrounding me. I would turn my head and puke bile and pass out again. I had every monitor on me, every single machine beeping in my room. I was in more pain than I thought existed. My mom only complained about the traffic and left me. The doctors warned her I had a good chance of dying. "We aren't going to sugar coat it. Your daughter is very sick. She might not make it through the night. She has less than a 50/50 chance." I passed out again. I woke up when an EKG teck ripped off my bra. My mom left. My brother threw ice chips at me before they went. He was kicked out. My mom was furious with me. Anger controlled all her emotions. It was then that I vowed to God that I would get better and never starve or binge and purge again if he let me live. Two days after I left and was waiting for an opening in Stanford my head was in a toilet bowl after eating a bag of Halloween candy. I was fifteen years old. I got very sick again. I was lucky again. I can't be lucky forever.
1:54 a.m. - 2003-03-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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