But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Beautiful Thing In A Dire Time My life has been so expensive, yet nothing at all. 689 days spent inpatient, and I am once again headed for another facility. I have my doubts. Am I truly chronic? There are many people who believe that I cannot make a full recovery, and many that encourage me to do my best. Only a few people have full faith in my ability to get rid of this eating disorder, and those are the few that I have either not known that long or rarely see. Every day I tell myself it is a new day. That I can do better. Eventually I give in to food. Humiliation floods me as my brother asks in both disgust and alarm, "Gwen, did you eat all the Kudos bars?" I give no reply, just look down. We bought a box of 40 yesterday. I finished them all of in less than 24 hours. I went to the most beautiful place this weekend. It is a poppy reserve about an hour from where I live. The hills are lush green rolling with orange poppies and a few purple flowers here and there. My whole family went and we got along! Unfortunately I could barely walk without feeling exhausted and freezing, so only after walking about 1/4 mile of the trail we walked back. I took many pictures, and the most morbid thoughts ran through my head; "What if these are the last photos I am ever in? What if they lose the camera and then I die? What would they think?" Shut up mind, shut up. I'm going to get better. I will live. Exhausted, I no longer remember what I was going to say. Maybe you all know, maybe this is enough, or perhaphs it doesn't even breach what needs to be said. Time, the only thing that never stops, will only tell... 11:20 p.m. - 2003-03-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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