But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Endless Cycle Of Destruction Lying in bed, bloated as a horse that got into the feed. "I will not purge, I will not purge." I fall into a painful sleep. Hours later I wake up, cold sweat running down my face. I had eaten 1/2 a cake. You know you are bulimic when you add up the calories for the whole cake instead of just looking at one slice. 4,800 calories. The name? "Sock It To Me." Yea, sock it right to my ass. I pull myself out of bed. I can hardly breathe. I fell asleep before I took my insulin. I have to purge. There is no way out of it. The once beautiful cake now comes up in gross chunks of brown, mixed with lettuce and acid. There is more. I jam my whole hand down my throat. I choke. Dizzy and shaky, I fall to the ground. Tears stream down my face. It is only 1:30am. "Please God, don't let me binge again." I wake up at 4:00am. I begin to eat a piece of cake. My stomach protests. I mash it up and spit it out. I crawl back into bed, exhausted. The sounds of morning fill my ears. "Alex, did you eat some of this cake?" My mom can't believe how much I ate. I pretend to be asleep. They leave. I walk to the bathroom. I am frightened. Last night after my binge I weighed 102. I step on the scale. Back to 95. Yes. That is what I was yesterday morning. It is still not good enough, I need to be thinner, but, for now, it is enough. Food never leaves my head. My body starves. I constantly eat. I got out of seeing the docs. Apparently cardiology doesn't make appointments Friday, and for the 400 mile drive, my mom isn't taking me to see just the ED specialists and Endocrine. I am free, at least for now. Take Care Everyone. xoxo Gwen 10:37 a.m. - 2003-03-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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