But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Never Measure Up As I type this I am crying. I feel so empty, like the whole world hates me. I was asleep when my mom came home to check on me. She starts yelling at me that I need to get up. I said, "I'm so tired mom." All of a sudden she explodes on me. "You need to get up! You can't lie in bed for the rest of your life. You won't even be able to get a job as a maid, you're useless! Get something to eat!" "I already ate three cups of cereal mom." Which is true. I was trying to not binge, and then after I ate I was really trying to not throw up and I took my insulin. "Well eat more! You are a stick. There is a reason you are so tired. If you ate and didn't throw up, take laxatives or diet pills you would be fine! Now get up!" I started to cry. I ran into my room and she yells, "Don't you dare slam that door on me missy. You are getting up and doing something!" I said, "What is your problem, one day you are nice and the next everything is all my fault!" "It is, I don't do this to you." I stuttered, "You are such a superficial bitch!" and closed my door all the way. She said, "I'm a superficial bitch? You need to look in the mirror." Directly across from me was a mirror. I saw my red eyes, my puffy stomach, my ugly, fat body. I ripped it off the wall. It is a full length mirror. I threw it on the floor and shattered it. Next to me was another full length mirror. I grabbed it and threw it on top of it. Then there was another mirror across my room. I flung it with all my might. My mom busts my door open and says, "You stupid bitch! I can't take this anymore. I am this close to calling the police and having them take you away! Get out of here! I don't trust you!" I am hysterical now. She says, "Open the front door so I can take these out." I am already cleaning the glass up. "Get out! You can't be trusted around broken glass." This infuriates me. I am not a cutter. I go in the bathroom and cry, hunched in a ball. She wants me dead. I don't understand her. Yesterday I bought her lunch, went to her doctor with her because she wanted me to, cleaned the kitchen, made my brother dinner, and cut up all the strawberries she asked me to. Today, I am nothing. As I lay there she yelled, "Gwennie, come out of the bathroom so I know you are okay." "I'm fine!" I sobbed. Her voice softened. "I am scared to leave you. Come out so I know you are okay." I come out. She hugs me and says, "Go back to bed." I say, "No, I am wide awake now." My chest hurts so bad. I feel like my heart is going to run away. "I am scared to leave you. You used to be so vibrant, so full of life." I start crying harder, "I know!" she hugs me and says, "Well do you know why you are so tired?" I say, "Mom, it could be because of my heart. They really don't know." "Okay, go back to bed," she says. I will see you later. I want to die. Every morning that I wake up I wonder why I am still here. I used to be able to run eight miles and then do 300 push-ups, 300 sit-ups, and 300 jumping jacks. I used to have tons of friends. I used to be so social. Now I am so afraid. Why should I try anymore? I need to die. Why did I try this morning? I am completely worthless. My weight is up to 98. I tried to accept that. I can't. Forget this. I am going to die. 11:18pm No use in starting a new entry. I ended up bingeing and purging four times after my mom left. Right when I was about to purge my therapist came over. I felt so nauseated. They asked how I was, I told them about my morning. They tried to convince me to come to my IEP meeting, I am too scared. I will try though. Just the thought of ten people staring at me and making my life's decisions doesn't sound fun, it sounds terrifying. My doctor was pleased with my weight gain. If only he knew... Then I bought pizza for the family. My brother told me how he is having three friends spend the night. I requested he not take over the whole house and he told me to find somewhere else to stay. I offered, and my mom got really angry. She went off about how this is my house too, and that if my brother is going to act that way he doesn't need his friends over. Now he is mad at me. He saw puke on the toilet bowl. He told my mom who started yelling at me. It was a miserable purge. I had four fingers down my throat and felt like my throat was ripping. My stomach hurt so bad and when I did start to puke it was like a dam burst. It shot everwhere and splattered back into my face. My eyes burned. Puke streamed out of my nose with big chunks of cereal. There was vomit all over the toilet and floor. I cleaned it up and crawled away, exhausted... Here I sit, knowing the misery, but contemplating another purge because I just ate a milkshake. I am such a pathetic drag on the world. It would benefit society so much if I were dead. 11:07 a.m. - 2003-02-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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