But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another Day I wish I hadn't Awoken Today I awoke to the sounds of my brother yelling at my mom. As usual, the conversation turned to me and about how everything is my fault. "She doesn't do anything. She can go somewhere else. I want my friends over. She just sleeps all the time!" I yelled, "Alex, shut up! How come everything is always my fault?" "You never do anything! I go to school! I want my friends over. Your lazy ass sleeps all day." My mom had told him he didn't need to have a bunch of friends spend the night because he always does. It is now my fault. As soon as he left my mom set in on how I need to get some motivation, get up, and do something. I got up. She is so two-sided. I am exhausted today. We got into a big fight about how she lets my brother rule this house. "Of course! I never do anything right. Well you don't do anything. You slop around all day." She had crawled in my bed and I asked her to leave. She wouldn't, so I gathered all my strength and leaped over her. It was really an extraordinary manuver. I went from lying down to diving over onto the floor and didn't even get hurt. I tell her I don't understand. Why is she one minute nice to me and the next make me out to be untermentch? Why does she blame all the problems on me? She even went so far as to say that if I went to school there would be no fighting in this house. Where has she been the last ten years? After she went to work I crawled back into bed, exhausted. I am throwing large ketones, which is making me extremely tired, out of breath, and thirsty. I slept as if a ton of bricks had been placed upon me. At 10:00am she returns. She tells me how sorry she is, and I say it is fine. That I love her. She says she loves me and doesn't mean to hurt me so much, that she doesn't know what to do. I say it is fine. I am so exhausted. I think, "Please, just let me sleep." I get up, go to the bathroom to show I have some life left in me after this morning, and weigh myself. 95.5. Back down again. Thank you God. I crawl back to bed and sleep until noon. It is apparent that I must take a shot. I am having trouble breathing and my mouth tastes like cotton. I allow myself three units of insulin. I make a malt. I was going to fast today, but yesterday I promised myself a 200 calorie malt if I could go the night without bingeing to the point of feeling ill. The insurance still hasn't gotten back to us. I need to get out of here. I need to go anywhere almost. But I need to go somewhere where I can get better, so I don't wake up in constant fear of death. My throat is so sore. I binged and purged like no tomorrow yesterday. And my brother made a point of telling my mom there was barf on the toilet. Thank you. She knows I throw up. Just another thing to upset her. I suppose that is all I have to say for now. I am exhausted. I am heading back to bed. Take care everyone. Love Gwen 12:49 p.m. - 2003-02-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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