But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Useless Dreams, I Was Once... My weight continues to climb. It is a major puzzle. Before when I was doing what I am doing now my weight would be dropping. I am up to 97 pounds. I decided to say "fuck it." I binged all day. I lay in bed looking like an overfed pig, my stomach so bloated I could hardly breathe. I finally got up. I went out to the kitchen and made a chocolate shake. The thickest one I possibly could. The whole time I was telling myself, "This is just an experiment. Tommorrow I will fast. You fucking pig!! You are disgusting!" Afterwards I couldn't bear the feeling. I grabbed a towel and headed out to the backyard. I had three fingers down my throat and was socking myself in the stomach spewing chocolate and rice krispy treats when I hear, "Gwennie, are you out there?" Silence. Slowly, I look up. I can see my mom's face at the back door. She can't see me, thank God. However, it was ruined. Too nervous to throw up anymore, I walk in defeated. My whole body hurts. I am so exhausted. My mom has given up on me going back to school ever since she realized how truly exhausted I am and after she found out that my heart is struggling to beat right. I. HAVE. NO. FUTURE. I dreamed of riding a bike through the woods. A drunken man attacked me and tried to rape me. In my dream I kicked him off. He was shocked at my strength. I then went on to ride up in the mountains through the woods. It was beautiful. I had so much energy. I was trying to catch up to two of my friends to tell them they were carrying a dead person. They were on search and rescue and thought the boy was in a coma. I knew better... I woke up and felt more depressed than ever. There were days when I could run eight miles in the morning, go to school, play volleyball afterwards, and still have energy to go out and do stuff with my friends. I was popular, I was smart, and I was much happier. Now I can't imagine walking around the block. I pray for death and cry when I awake. How do I have the energy to wake up? I no longer know. I cannot keep this up. I am killing myself, destroying my family, and falling into an opitomy of self-loathing, depression, and hate for humanity itself. Something has got to change... something has got to give. It has to happen soon. Take care everyone, Gwen 9:33 p.m. - 2003-02-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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