But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Purging Life Away This morning I woke up to my mom and brother yelling. My mom asked who ate all the pudding cups. My brothers response? "Who eats everything?" "Oh shit!" said my mom. The funny part is, I only had two of the pudding cups. I was immediately filled with anger and self-hate. I thought, "There is no way I am eating today." Then I got up, listened to my mom tell my brother how she thought I was dying and that is why I hardly do anything anymore, and sulked to myself. This whole family hates me. I went into the bathroom and stepped on the scale. 95.5. No way. I moved it to another spot. Same number. Then I went and looked in the mirror. "Are those my arms?" I freaked out. They seemed to have no shape. They were splindly sticks. O my God! I panicked and went into the kitchen. I grabbed a piece of carrot cake and a bowl of ice cream. I followed that with six Oreos. Then I ate two pop-tarts. When I finished the realization of what I had done hit me. "Fat bitch!" I told myself. My mom said "Come on! I'm leaving!" "Just leave me here." I said. She was going to take me to the hospital to see my friend who just had a baby. I needed to puke. BAD! No, she wouldn't leave me. I skipped my insulin. Fuck this. I can't gain weight! I got to the hospital and there was my friend with her baby, so innocent and tiny. I held him and thought about how much I messed up my body. That is my one real fear about this. Will I be able to have kids? I lay next to her on the bed for a few hours, trading off the baby, and then I came home. Immediately my mom started in on how she is tired of washing barfed on towels. This reminded me of last night. It was late. I had eaten two cups of brocolli, but I felt full. Too full. My brother's friend was asleep on the couch, so I had to be quiet as I snuck out the garage door into the cold air. Behind the pool I went. The wind was howling, the air was freezing, but nothing will stop me when I need to purge. Shit. I should have chewed the food into smaller bites. I hadn't planned on purging though... With one hand down my throat and the other on the rocks, I gagged myself. God, it hurt. " I can't give up now." I picked my hand up off the rocks and started socking myself in the stomach and jerking my body forward as I did so. Finally, big chunks of brocolli started coming up. Thank God. After about half an hour of this I decided I was finished. My gums were bleeding from pulling my teeth forward so much. So much for those braces. I crawl into bed, tired and cold, praying this is the night that I don't wake up, that the last being I see is in my dreams... 8:12 p.m. - 2003-02-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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