But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nothing Makes Sense I finally went and got my cell phone today. The weird part is that now I don't really want it. I don't want anything. My mom had to drag me to the cell phone store. A few months ago I would have been on cloud nine. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. I am so so tired. It takes too much energy to even get dressed, which I had to do. Everything is wrong. My hair, once thick and shiny, is stringy and thin. My lips are chapped and cracked at the corners. I don't register things as fast as I used to. I don't move as fast as I used to. I don't laugh. Ever. I have no reason to. I hide out in my cave, praying that darkness will swallow me. My mom thinks I am dying. She is very worried about me. Why do I do this to people? I don't want to go back into treatment. Today is a weird day. I haven't been hungry, but I want to eat. I don't want to binge, but I do. Everything is so wrong. I was 97 pounds this morning. Will I ever be thin? I tried to talk to my mom about my dreams, but she just says that it has to do with my eating disorder and love/hate relationship with food. I want to scream, "How does seeing his face and dreaming of being forced into gross sexual acts have anything to do with my eating disorder?" Instead I smile and nod. Whats the point anymore? Something smells so good...She is cooking something... God we bought a carrot cake. I can imagine each sliver of cake running down my throat and into my stomach, causing satisfaction, but I must restain myself. I am not worthy of food. Our food bill has soared to $600 a month. "You fat ugly bitch! You are worthless! Go to hell! Die bitch die!" I scream at myself. But, as luck has it, I am still here, typing away, not really living, but not quite dead. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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