But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Big Mouth My God, what is the big deal? Am I that much of a freak? My mom made dinner and my brother said he wasn't hungry and his stomach hurt, as he does every night around dinner time, and I jokingly said, "Alex, I think you have an eating disorder!" He stormed out of the house and when he came back his friend said he had been crying over it. I asked him what the big deal was and he said, "Because Dim, that fucking hurts!" I asked my mom why that would make him so upset and she said, "Dim, you have to admit, this eating disorder has made you pretty weird." So that goes to show what a freak I am. Fuck me, I wish someone would kill me. I hate being the house freak. I keep on having flashbacks. Everywhere I go I see His face. In every man, I see Him. I don't know what is wrong with me. It has gotten so much worse lately. I have nightmares of rape, nightmares of being forced to do things I don't want to do, and everything reminds me of something that happened. I replay it over and over in my head. I should have killed myself that night... My appointment for Stanford is next Friday. My mom is really pushing to have me admitted. She keeps on saying, "I'm afraid you are going to die Dim!" Well let me die then. Ironically she also wants me to go to school until we leave on Thursday. What kind of sense does that make? This world is so upside down. I am so dirty, I haven't showered since day before yesterday. I can't stand to watch the water ripple down my fat, my naked body, so ugly and dirty, no matter how much I scrub it will stay that way. Why bother? My mom is sitting in here. "Tongsi (my nickname) I love you so much. I would never forgive myself if you died." Why does she keep saying that? Everyone would be so much better off. It always boils down to the money, and with all my medical bills I am way over the $million mark. A burden to everyone. I suppose I shall wrap up my rambles. I haven't binged yet... I say yet because it has been months since I have gone w/o a binge/purge. Fucking sick bitch that I am... Anyways, take care. Thanks for reading this. I hope you all have a good day! Love Dimstar 8:26 p.m. - 2003-01-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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