But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Food and Nightmares I thought I would go to school today. I lay in bed for half an hour, and as each second passed my terror of the outside world grew until there was no way a thousand kings horses and a thousands kings men could have gotten me to go. My weight was 103.5 this morning. Still so damned high, but at least it isn't 108. That was so scary. I had the worst nightmare last night. This guy was making me suck his dick and the cum turned to guacomole. Then I was in the kitchen and I was eating guacomole and threw it away. Then I was back with him and it turned to sour cream. Next scene: kitchen, throwing away the sour cream. Then I was back with the guy after many repetitive episodes and he was gagging me with his dick to make me throw up. Possibly the most disgusting and strange nightmare in the world. Sleep is supposed to be my savior, not my fear. Is anything safe anymore? I keep on thinking about how I haven't called Jay*. She said I could anytime, but I feel so bad. Now I wonder if she thinks I am avoiding her or if I don't like her, which, on the contrary, I think she is really sweet. She probably doesn't want to hear from me by now. See what I get myself in to? My stomach hurts really bad this morning. There was something strange about it when I threw up last night. It seems like everything just sits in a ball, waiting to be thrown up. I woke up with a bloody nose last night. I have never had a bloody nose like that before, I haven't even had a bloody nose in years. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I had drenched those enchiladas in Tabasco sauce and salsa, because I really had no intention of throwing them up, and then they came mainly out of my nose when I did. And you wanted to know that right? Goals for today: Not puke, take my insulin, be honest with my doctor, and not binge. God, I hope I can do it. I suppose that is all. Take care and have a lovely day. *Dimstar 7:43 a.m. - 2003-01-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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