But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Ana Mia, You Suck! Dear Ana Mia, I hate you, bottom line. You have decieved me into believing I would be a better person. You have taken years out of my teenage life because I spent them in treatment. You have also taken years off of my life to come. I now have many medical complications I did not used to have, such as Osteopenia, ammenorhea, fatigue, headaches, poor vision, a compromised immune system, and hypokalemia. Lets not even mention my HbA1c. You have turned me into a lier. I used to be so honest. Now I always say my blood sugar is fine, pretend that I don't throw up, act like I eat normally, and make promises that I cannot keep. I can't even keep promises to myself. I promised myself that I would take my insulin, irregardless of whether I binged or not. That lasted, what? 36 hours? I also purged thanks to the stomach ache I had that I wouldn't have had if it wasn't for you. I am now a money sucking machine, dependent on everyone but myself. Millions have been spent on my hospitalizations and residential stay, but all in vain. I spent all 687 days inpatient driving the nurses and doctors crazy. Now I realize how that only hurt me. You took away my social life. I used to be so popular, I got at least ten phone calls a day. Now I am afraid to answer the phone, afraid to go to school, and I never return anyone's calls. I feel like the whole world hates me and only thinks about how disgusting I am and what a loser I am. Because of you, I hate myself. I am always thinking of ways to hurt myself. I almost wish to be raped. Why? Because, according to you, I deserve it. It happened before. I deserved it right? I think of the most painful ways to hurt myself. I can slam my arms in the door right on the bone, painful, but the marks dissapear faster than burns and cuts. I sleep all day, praying to die. I used to stay up all day and half the night socializing with my friends. Because of you I have lost track of my dreams. I used to want to be a pediatrician, and it seemed like I could easily achieve that goal. I was student of the week and month countless times, and scored very high on state testing. I went to school every day, and was always on the Honor Roll and in GATE. Now I have dropped out. I am scared of people, scared of school, scared of life. The most important thing you took was my chance for a good life. I now see no point in living, no chance that I will ever become anyone worth anything. You lied to me. You promised me that when I got thin I would be happy. That when I got below a certain number I would be thin and perfect. Guess what? I got there, and I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't happy. I just lost any sense of reality and happiness that I ever had. To top it off, you destroyed my family as well. Our house had the great fall of Rome occur right behind its' doors. Who the hell are you to do this to us? You fucking suck and I hate you! If I can't break free of you by fighting you, I shall kill myself because ultimately you are killing me, and a quick death would be much less painful, so fuck off. Do you understand what you are doing to me? I am probably going back into residential! More freedom lost! You promised they would love me, that I would have more freedom. You have become my prison. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I hate you! 10:36 p.m. - 2003-01-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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