But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emptying the Fridge I can't believe I binged so much. I just felt so nauseated, and as ironic as it sounds, the only way I knew that I would feel better was to binge and purge. Since I planned on bingeing, I ate more than I usually ever would. I had two king size TV pasta dinners, 24 Nutter Butters, a handful of chocalate chips, 14 Oreos, 4 baked apples in heavy syrup, two quarts of ice cream, a Whatchamakalit, 2 Reese Sticks, a glass of milk, and three string cheeses. I went to vomit right after, but very little came up. I decided to crash on the couch for a few minutes, and then I started to have trouble breathing. My stomach was extended like I was about to go into labor. I ate so much! I decided that I had to go throw up again. This time it was easier, though it wasn't easy. It seems as if the more I do it the harder it gets. I jammed my whole hand down my throat a few times, and spent alot of time punching my stomach. I wondered if I would die. I wasn't afraid, but I felt as if my stomach would rupture, my throat would rip open, and I would pass out. I didn't care. Not the ideal way to be found, in your backyard, hanging over a puddle of vomit, but I really didn't care. If I died, I wouldn't know the difference. Obviously, here I am. I feel alot better. Not great, but better. My heart isn't fluttering anymore like it was earlier, though I do have a pounding headache. The good news is that even though I must have ingested around 40,000 calories today, my weight is the same as it was this morning. Thank God. Thank you. With all the misery I have gone through today, I think an increase in my weight would push me over the edge. I know I will be okay tonight. I seem to have a good gage of whether I will survive the night or not, one which simply amazes my docs. One time I went into the ER at midnight because my heart hurt really bad, and I couldn't walk ten feet without being drenched in sweat and passing out. Turns out I was in congestive heart failure and they said if I hadn't gone in that night I would have died. There are many other simular situations, but I think that is the most severe. I always have so much on my mind, and I vent it all here. I'm sorry, I probably bore so many of you. I will try not to in the future. Take care and God bless. 12:29 a.m. - 2003-01-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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