But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Freaking Out You won't believe it! I actually went to school today. It was a good thing too because we had an ASB meeting on all the fundraisers we have to do for prom. Why did I join ASB? I was so tired that even one of my teachers commented that I looked sick. Then my modern world history made a big deal out of me actually being at school. He says, "Dim! So nice to have you in my class! Once a week is here for her one time a week!" I could crawl through the floor. I just want to yell at him, tell him I am dying, and that school isn't my number one priority. Instead I smile and nod. I have alot of credits, despite my absences. I just did two book reports tonight. I am an avid reader. Literature seems to be my escape from reality. I did one on "The Great Gatsby" and "Kim: Empty Inside" Woo Hoo! Another two credits! In our ASB meeting (in case you don't know, ASB is a group that runs all the activities and fundraisers for the school) we talked about prom. I remember last year everyone wanted to nominate me. I got asked to prom by five different guys. For once, I was relieved to go in the hospital because I can't say no to anyone. After school I was sitting with Scott* and Julie*, when Steve* came up to me and gave me a hug. I tried to push away, but he only hugged me tighter. I hate him and I barely know him. He is very white power. He asked me to vote him for Prom King, and I said that I knew a million people would ask me to do that, so I wouldn't promise anything. I was grateful to get out of his grasp. It was a good thing I did, because he went to Julie, gave her a hug, and started making humping motions at her. She said, "I have a boyfriend!" His response was "So what? It's like giving your daddy a kiss on the lips. It doesn't hurt anyone." I mumbled to Scott when he walked away, "I hate him!" Then, as my mom arrived, I noticed he was over at Sarah* doing the same thing he did to Julie. UGHHH! My brother had gotten out of school early, and my mom offered to take us out to lunch. Panicked, I agreed, not wanting to dissapoint her. My diet had been going well too. O well. I binged, My brother decided he didn't want to go because he was in a pout that we didn't want pizza. I had gotten out of school by 12:10, and I had therapy at 1:30. I figured we had plenty of time, but I was wrong. My mom and I went out for Mexican food and I ate the whole basket of chips, and was literally ready to explode by the time my chimichunga came. O well. I ate it and when we got home I ate four candy bars, about twenty cookies, 1/2 a bag of bp chocolate chips, and a box of pudding, figuring that I would throw up. I couldn't. Nothing would come up. Too sick and embarassed to go to therapy, I went to bed. While my mom was in the bathroom my therapist called and left a message. I didn't see her last week either, and, knowing she was going to call, didn't answer the phone. On the answering machine she sounded more than a little irritated. I am such a terrible patient. I was just too embarassed to go. I fell asleep for a while, and when I woke up my brother yelled at me because I said I didn't approve of him going around school begging with a paper cup for money to support his skateboard fund. He made $44 in only two classes! I may be a bit unfair, but how fair is it that there are sick and starving people around the world that never beg for anything, and then my brother begs because his skateboard was stollen. He called me a bitch and said that I have caused so much trouble in the family and him so much grief. I cried. My mom told me to tell him that his tuition was very expensive for private school because he always managed to get himself into trouble in public school. I let it go. I hate fighting. I just binged some more, and gave up on purging. It isn't happening today. I just threw up blood and acid. Tomorrow is a new day, one which I swear I won't eat. It used to be so easy. I'd wake up and say, "I'm not eating today," and that was that. Now I am a glutton. All that candy I bought Monday along with the TV dinners is gone. O well. If I don't fast tomorrow I might just beg to go into treatment again, because this is wreaking havoc on my diabetes. If it doesn't help for the long run at least it might make me a bit healthier. I guess that is about all. Take care and have all your wishes granted! Love Dimstar 11:41 p.m. - 2003-01-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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