But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seeing Tali, Releasing Me Into Hometown Buffet First off, let me say that I had a very long entry on my day, but then I got booted by my server in the middle of it. Nothing is more infuriating! My day was very good. I finally got to meet Tali in person, who I have kept in contact on the internet for five years. Our parents don't know that though. Her mom believes we met at a party through a mutual friend, my mom believes that we met at Stanford! My mom had an appointment in Van Nuys, and it turns out Tali lives about 10 minutes from there! When I got to the hospital and met up with her, we snuck off to her house. It was probably the most daring thing I have ever done! I was almost busted when we saw my mom's husband sitting in front of the hospital, and I immediately had to duck. To other cars on the road I must have been a sight to see! We went to the ice cream shop she works at, and I agreed that it has to be hell to have an eating disorder and work there. It smells absolutely delightful, and they even make their own waffle cones! Then we drove to her house, and exchanged books on people with eating disorders. It is a beautiful house, and I wish that I lived there with her. Then she presented me with the most beautiful journal I have ever seen. It is so beautiful that I feel unworthy of writing in it. I promised I would though, so I definentilly will! It all ended too soon. Her mom wants to speak with my mom before we get together, and now we don't know how to explain how we met... Any suggestions? Then the bad part came. My mom's husband decided that we were going to Hometown Buffet. Need I say more? When we got in there one of the staff immediately asked if I was okay. Yea, I replied, looking puzzled. Am I really that obvious? I swear, releasing me in there is like releasing a five year old in Toys R' Us and telling them they have five minutes to grab everything they want. It is sick, but I feel as if I am always starving, and food excites me that much. The staff were keeping an eye on me, not that I blame them. I felt very self concious, but that didn't stop me from bingeing. I started off with a tortilla, a plate of rice, beans, cheese, salsa, sour cream, and olives. Then I moved on to two pieces of fried fish, about a cup of fries, and 1/2 a cup of potato cutlets. Then I got up again, grabbed a bowl of bread pudding with ice cream on top and caremel syrup. When I finished that I got a piece of chocolate cake, some apple cobbler, this fudgy dessert, and ten big cookies. Binge, binge, binge... I took all the oatmeal raisen cookies, and could have taken more, except I took all of them. I was in pure agony, and the drive to my house is about an hour. Unfortunately, I wasn't that lucky. My mom decided to stop at Big Lots and buy food that we don't have at Vons. I grabbed 4 family packs of Butter Fingers and about 30 candy bars. My mom didn't even care! I don't know what got into me, I was just so excited. I also grabbed some Chef Boy RD TV dinners. I knew I was doomed. When I arrived at home, despite the fact that I was full, I binged again. I ate a huge bowl of ice cream, two candy bars, syrup, and a TV dinner. OUCH. I could barely breathe, and I lay on the couch like a dying fish, waiting for the food to settle in the right position. I must have miscalculated. Whenever I tried to vomit, it wouldn't come up. More and more soda, more trips outside. Boy, is it cold. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that this food was coming up. I rammed my whole fist down my throat, to the point that I feared I might rip it. I punched myself in the stomach. Finally, it started to come up. I aspirated on my vomit a few times. I swear, it was the most miserable purging experience ever. I wanted to lie right there and die, because it drained me so much. I hate this. Those moments are the worst. Now I look very swollen and disgusting... Tomorrow will be a better day, right? I am starving now... What a waste. At least Tali is online to talk to me. I wonder, if 20% of people with eating disorders die, how close am I? Just a wonder. It would be an escape from such torment. Even being raped wasn't this bad. This is Hell. My own personal Hell... I guess that is about all for now. Take care to anyone who reads this. May your day be filled with sunshine and good suprises! Love Dimstar 12:00 a.m. - 2003-01-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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