But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Pool of Tears I ended up not going to school again today. My friend Amber was going to take me after second period during break, because that was when she was going to school. She stopped by my house and I gave her $10.00 for gas, and she promised that she would be back. I never answer the phone when I stay home on school days, I am too afraid that it might be the school. My answering machine kicked in and guess who it was? Amber. "Hey Gwennie, I'm sorry I can't give you a ride, but I was dropping Eric off and Mr.Garcia told me that I had to stay for finals. I'm sorry." I was a bit more than annoyed, especially because there was no way I could get a ride. Plus, Amber hasn't given me a ride in ages and I gave her $10.00 for gas. I went back to bed, until the phone rang again. It was my mom. She called to tell me that she was taking me into Urgent Care because my doctor was booked up for the week, but they would agree to see me there. I told her no, and she told me I was going to go, whether I liked it or not. I panicked and binged. Then I went to sleep. I awoke at 1:30 with my mom telling me to get into the car... This is where the hell began. I told her no, and she told me that I was going. She started to yell at me, and threatened to call the police. She knows I hate them after they forced me to press charges after I was raped, and they were so damned cruel about it. I started crying. She yelled at me, told me that I was like a selfish Nazi brat, and told me that I would be sent to Jamison if I didn't go. (Jamison is the juvenile hall around here) I started to cry. She was like, "You are going or I am calling the police! I can't handle you. They will put you into foster care!" Everything has to be Mom's way. She knows that I can't stand Urgent Care, and she also knows that it doesn't do any good. They are blind as to what is going on with me. I locked my door and sobbed, as she screamed through my door what a horrible monster I was, how I am ruining her life, how much she can't stand me...etc. Then she broke my door by knocking it open with her fist, stormed over to my bed, and screaming at me dragged me off. She dragged me onto the floor with me sobbing and I landed on a glass of water. "You didn't go to school for two days! Do you want to go bald? Your hair is falling out in clumps! Do you want to be ugly?" In between sobs I said, "Mom, they can't do a thing about it. I have an eating disorder! Everyone I know with an eating disorder has thinning hair. I deserve this. They can't do a thing about it." She says, "Christ, you need to be locked up somewhere! Look at you. You're a mess! All you do is slop around all day and drink all my Diet Cokes and eat everything in the house!" Then she left me there sobbing. I lay on the floor soaked and sobbing for a few minutes, and then she came back. I lay there limp, wishing to die. I thought, "If anyone else ran their blood sugars the way I do they would be dead. Why am I still here? I don't deserve to live. I am worse than Hitler." Her mood changes on the turn of a dime. "Little girl, what is it? I love you and I don't want you to die, and that is what I see you doing." I don't move. She pulls the wet shirt off me like I am a helpless infant, and picks a Roxy shirt out of my drawer. She puts it on my limp body, Then she drags me up to my bed. I am embarassed by how bloated my stomach looks. She lies next to me and asks me what is the matter. She tells me how she doesn't want me to die, how she fears for my life, and asks why I don't go to school. "Because I hate it! Because I used to be top of my class, score the highest on the Standardized tests, had a 4.0 GPA, and was so popular. Now I go to an alternative high school, and because I have missed so much school I am so behind and nowhere near as smart as my peers." I burst into sobs again. "I'm sorry I'm so bad. I'm so selfish and I deserve to die. I'm worse than Hitler. I never do anything good!" She hugs me and it is obvious that she doesn't care about the doctor's appointment anymore. I want to overdose, but what if I live? How will I deal with the humiliation, what if I get placed in foster care? It's the thought of living that I can't bare. I want to escape into my dreams, sleep forever, or get out. Get out and move in an apartment with Tali. My mom says that no one could stand me, but I think Tali could. She says that I don't do anything. She's right. I don't know how I have so many friends. Sobbing, I walk around the house. She keeps on giving me hugs and then my brother gets home. His skateboard was stolen, and he is in a very bad mood. I know that my mom feels guilty at the moment and will buy him a new one. Then she offers to take me to Vons. Aghhh food. The comfort of food. I decline. I say, "Mom, people already stare at me enough. I can't go with my face all swollen with it obvious that I was crying." She promises to be back soon. So I come here to type out my pathetic little story. The one good thing that happened to me today was that my weight was 99 pounds. Back to double digits. I hope that I can get thin enough so that everyone will leave me alone, so that I become invisible. Now if I could just quit eating.... 3:25 p.m. - 2003-01-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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