But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It wasn't supposed to be this way God, it sure gets late here fast. My stomach hurts so bad. I made myself binge, figuring that was what my stomach wanted. I guess I was wrong. It still hurts. I lay around the house all day like a bum. I never used to be this way.Not to brag, but I have an IQ of 157.(Probably not anymore now that I killed so many brain cells. Even my nurses noticed that I am "slower" than I used to be) I used to go to parties, play sports, ring up enormous phone bills, and get straight A's in Honors classes. Now I do nothing. I want to be left alone to die or escape. I guess escape is more to the point. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I had dreams. I was going places. I took such good care of my diabetes, worked so hard, had so many friends, and wanted to be a doctor. I have wanted to be a doctor as long as I can remember. You have no idea how much I dwell on the fact that I have shattered that dream. I love to help people. It is my passion. I get so happy when someone tells me that I really helped them. Take Sarah* for example. She wrote me a letter telling me that when she is around me she truly wants to get better. She said that I am the most encouraging person to her, and I make her feel good about herself. She is fifteen now. I met her in the hospital when she was 13. She refers to me as her guardian angel. I am so flattered that she honors me with that title, yet I hate it because I don't want to dissapoint her. I try to only encourage her and keep how well I am doing hidden from her when I talk to her. I hate lying, but I can't let another person down. That is all I seem to do. I feel so sick. I wonder how high my blood sugar really is. I checked for ketones, and I am spilling heavy. Sorry if I am confusing anyone. Lets just say that a diabetic is in great danger when they are spilling ketones in their urine. I hope if I do die that no one is hurt, that they realize I am in peace. My last bill, the funeral. What a relief to my family. Okay, I better get going. I ramble entirely too much. Take care. You are all wonderful people. love Dimstar ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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