But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Should have been good, not when you think about food. Today was a pretty good day for me. My mom took me to Mc Donalds and a movie just for fun. We ate off th dollar menu and I realized that I didn't want to binge as much as I usually do. We saw "Catch Me If You Can." So far, I think I like it better than any other movie I have seen recently. Then I went to Casa Corona which I thought was for a PTSA meeting, but we just celebrated Melissa's birthday and chatted. I am secretary of the PTSA and have to write up the minutes, which I dreaded. Lately my hands have been hurting so much. I have lost most feeling, and everything I feel transmits to pain for one reason or another. I felt really disgusting eating at Casa Corona. One of the members commented that I used to be "bulky" when we were in elementary school. All I could think as I sat eating my chimichunga was how I was going to throw up as soon as I got home. I ate the whole plate, along with a virgin margarita. It was huge, but when I got home that didn't stop me for finishing off the jar of peanut butter, eating a quart of ice cream, 1/3 cup of honey, and a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. I did my usual, chasing it with some Diet Coke, waiting until the perfect feeling in my stomach came to vomit. I hate it all so much, yet I keep on doing it. It hurts so bad. Then I go into the backyard and throw up this huge pile of puke. I seriously feel sorry for the dogs. They dispose of the evidence. Not that it matters, but my little duchshound is lying on my lap as I type. I love him so much. My mom baked pumpkin pie. Why does she have to do that? I hate it so much. I feel possesed as I walk to the kitchen to binge. I know I will. O well. There are so many battles going on inside me. I hate myself for all the wrongs I have done. I have a trail of nasty red blisters along my ankle from the burns I put upon my flesh to pay for my sins. It is never enough. I don't know what is. Each day I promise myself that I won't binge. I promise myself that I will fast. I don't know what takes me over. I hate it though. I really do. My weight is 101.5 today. I look disgusting. I swear to God I will lose this weight. Food is supposed to be pleasurable, the source of life, and somehow it became the enemy. Someday, maybe... Maybe I will figure it all out. 10:16 p.m. - 2003-01-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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