But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Bad One I must go to school tomorrow... What can I say? I binge, I binge, and I binge. I wish I was 79 pounds again. I have no regrets about weighing that much. My mom and I got in a fight about food again. I eat everything, just to puke it all up. I have got to find a better place to throw up. I suppose I could go to the empty desert lot, but when your stomach is as gorged out as a pigs, do you really want to go that far? I planned on not puking or bingeing today, but that is a joke. I ate nine slices of pizza, a quart of ice cream, a package of Oreos, and a whole box of those new Dominos Dots. It is so gross, but I now get excited for my stomach to hurt so I can go purge. Then I throw on my robe, grab a towel, go outside, and hide behind the pool. I jam my fingers so far down my throat that the sides of my lips are ripped. I have these angry oozing blisters. I pray that no one hears me. Pray that no one finds out. Usually the dogs eat it, but sometimes they don't, and then there is dried puke left as evidence. My mom is in denial still. My doctor here, he doesnt know. He just assumes that because I have gained so much weight that I am doing well. Ha! I was doing better when I was fasting. I miss it so much. There are so many reasons to go back to it. I look so much better, I am so much happier, the food bill isn't so high, and my glucometer won't always read HI. That is another thing. My glucometer is always reading HI. It is like a joke, like it is greeting me. My vision has gone bad, and I have to urinate every ten minutes. Earlier, I swear, I finished a 2 Liter bottle of Diet Coke in five minutes. My mom gets so mad about the cost of soda. I am always so thirsty. I hate it. I want to take my Novalog but I can't. That would mean weight gain, and that would also mean that I didn't feel sick. Hyperglycemia is a punishment for bingeing. I crave Diet Mountain Dew... I went shopping yesterday. My mom gets so irritated with me. I can stay in the grocery store for hours, looking at everything, deciding if I should buy ana food or binge food. She was yelling at me to hurry up, so I ended up just getting more ice cream. I would be perfectly happy living in a grocery store. It's strange, but I think it would be much more easy to starve. Why do I have this? I dream of killing myself to spare others, but that isn't possible. I am not allowed to die until I am thin. Until then I must suffer... 11:09 p.m. - 2003-01-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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