But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can life throw anymore bad things my way? Omigod, would it kill her to shut up? Maybe she should just shoot me. "You look so much better. The more weight you gain the better you look. You were so ugly a few months ago, you looked like a concentration camp victim. You needed to be in the hospital. You used to be so ugly. Especially when you were below 85 pounds. You looked like you were dying, blah blah blah." Why can't she see that I hate this, that I am so much sicker now? That all my hair is falling out, that my circulation is so bad that it hurts to grip anything, how I am constantly fighting the urge to binge, how if I don't binge my stomach hurts.... I hate it so much. My vision is going and I can't think at all clearly. My blood sugar went down to 267 today, that is the lowest it has been in a while. I actually felt like I had low blood sugar, and that is considered hyperglycemic. Shows how well I have been taking care of my diabetes. I hate myself so much. I actually went to school today. I want to be left alone, be as far away from people as possible. I couldn't take it today. One of my friends was talking about her cousin and how much she eats and I told her about my binge last night. She exclaimed, "That is how much my cousin eats and she is 400 pounds and still gaining." SHIT! I wanted to cry right then and there. It is possible for me to become a chunk of lard. This weekend I am taking laxatives and sleeping. Maybe I will be lucky enough to die. I also found out that I am required to take the High School Exit Exam. No one informed me of this! I am not prepared. I could cry. All around my day just sucked. This morning was the worst. My mom was shreaking because the tapioca pudding she got at a restaurant was gone. "Where is it? I know I put it in the fridge!" Well she knew damned well what happened to it. Yea, I binged on it last night. It was a pretty disgusting binge at 1:00AM. About two cups of tapioca pudding, two cups of ice cream, some chips, coolies, and a huge peanut butter and honey sandwich. The worst was I couldn't throw it up for two hours. By then most of it is digested anyway, so it didn't really matter. We went to the grocery store today. Sometimes I wish that my mom would leave me in there for a few hours with $1,000. Sad, but that is my dream. I would buy whatever I wanted, then head to the drug store for Ducolax and Ipecac. I don't care what they say about Ipecac. I'm not worth life. I don't deserve it. Instead I bought a box of lean pockets, two quarts of Breyer's ice cream, (one Reese's and one Heath) coffee, Diet Coke, and cocoa. Today I haven't binged so far, unless you call a bag of mini rice cakes a binge. Pray that I don't. I am thinking about it because for a PTSA meeting tomorrow we have to go to Denny's. O Joy. I figure I could just binge today and tomorrow, take laxatives over the weekend, and all would be fine. The only thing is I don't want to barf anymore. My voice sounds like a mix between Darth Vader and Mickey Mouse. I guess whatever happens happens. Take care to all who read this. Sorry to be such a downer.=( 5:14 p.m. - 2003-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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