But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dying of diabulimia Today is another day, just another day. I am lucky to be alive I suppose, with all the shit I have been doing. Skipping my insulin, bingeing, purging... etc. Yesterday I ate a whole pumpkin pie in about three minutes, with the full intention of barfing it up. Today I have already eaten five donuts, a box of pizza sticks, and a burrito. I have a hot pocket in the microwave. I don't want to die, but I am so trapped. I hate this so much. I got invited to a few parties last night but I stayed home to binge and purge. I keep on contemplating taking twenty tylenol, but i wont do it. I have to be thing before i die. What kind of shit is that? Food has been a big issue in our house, because i eat so much of it. I feel extremely guilty, but I cant seem to quit. It is hard to imagine that I used to go weeks and weeks w/o eating. My stomach hurts all the time and my gums are constantly bleeding, and I have these sores on my lips. I need to stop, I know. Every day I tell myself that I will quit, that this is the last day, but every morning I wake up in a panicky mode and binge. I don't know why, i have this strange fear that we will run out of food or something. I am lucky that my weight is only up to 99 with all the bingeing I am doing. I'm sorry, this entry is all over the place. I was going to use Christmas break to help me quit doing this, but it just got worse. I wish that someone could help me. I really do. I hate this so much. The other night I passed out and I diluted my blood to figure out what my blood sugar was, bc my meter always reads hi now. I used 1/2 a unit blood and 1/2 a unit water, and it said 556. Multiply that by two and you get 1112. Geez. I was lucky to live I guess. I dont know anymore. It would probably be better if I died. I want to go to Center for Discovery. I hate this and I want help. Unfortunately because I have been in the hospital and residential so many times no one expects me to get better, and therefore no one will pay for anymore treatment, but I want it and I need it. Too bad for me I guess. If I was a better person I could probably get help. Too bad i am the worst person I know. I guess that is about all. Happy New Year to any who read this. 3:09 p.m. - 2003-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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