But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You Eat Too Much! they say... Today is a really embarassing and terrible day. I was asleep about an hour ago and I woke up to hear Paul, who is my mom's husband but lives in an apartment, yelling at my mom about buying me the food I want bc our grocery bill is $300 a week bc of me. He told her that I am eating just fine and that she shouldn't buy special food for me no matter how much I wine and throw a tantrum. I haven't asked for any "Special foods" lately, unless I thought they would help me not binge. So unbeknownst to them I heard the whole conversation and cried myself back to sleep. I am not eating for the rest of the day, or tomorrow, or the next day. I am just going to live on laxatives and Diet Coke. Ummm.... did she forget to mention to him that i was the one who bought my soda? Or that I payed for 1/2 the Hot Pockets? Or that I bought the Pecan Pie I binged on? It doesn't matter. I was so humilitated that i cried. I know I sound pathetic, but it is so hard to quit this ed, and I really do want to get better. Not like anyone cares. My mom told me that people have been saying that i look good. I guess it really shows how much weight I have gained. I also keep on having nightmares. I had one that my mom picked me up with my grandpa from school and suprise! They were taking me back to Rogers. I begged them not to, but they were set on it. So at the hotel we were sleeping at I drank Diet Mountain Dew and ate spinach and barfed it into the sink right in front of them. We also stopped at a campsite and they forced me to walk all around this huge mountain... It was so strange. Then I woke up. Paul just walked into the door. Bastard. I am sure my mom is telling him how he hurt my feelings, but I dont give a fuck. I will just burn myself some more. I can't seem to punish myself enough. I have these scabbed over holes in my leg from the lighter. I can hear them whispering... I really wish that I could be somewhere else. My only comfort is that I will be able to move in with Tali soon. Shit. My mom is nagging about needing to use the phone. Well I guess I better go. 2:12 p.m. - 2003-01-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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