Fight Until You Can't

But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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I Want...

I'm doing better. Over the Lexapro withdrawals...
I hate meds. Every withdrawal is different. In the past I would truly believe I was going insane, at times. Other times I wouldn't notice anything. This time words stung a bit more, I slept a lot, didn't really care to see anyone, felt as if they were all angry at me.
Thank God I'm off of it...
I keep wanting more, wanting less, wanting everything but nothing at all...
I want to be thinner, but I don't want to care.
I want to eat but really I don't.
I want I want I want... Selfish is the explanation. Or human nature...
I'm becoming so normal its killing me. Hours on MySpace, watching DVDs, going out to the beach, sleeping in late and staying up till dawn...
I'm laughing more. I am almost ignoring the scale I bought on impulse completely. To think, I used to weigh myself every time I entered the bathroom, praying for another bit of myself to be gone.
Yes I am fat. And I hate it. If Kyle wasn't here I can't be sure I wouldn't be bingeing and purging... In fact, I know I would.
But I am tired of disappointing the world. I am tired of making myself sick. I just want to be well.
I want to travel, eat foreign food, get into UCLA, get married, have kids, etc... The usual things that even I gag at as I read.
So Fricken Normal...
But its better than having nothing at all because I destroyed myself!
And I wouldn't be able to do things like this ;)
This is Me and Kyle in Chicago