But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Confused and Sad
Words cannot express how I feel today. I finally went to the gynecologist. The worst part was I knew the nurse. I've known her for years, but not closely. We used to chat once in a while and she offered to let me give her a call... She used to work at Vons. And she was in an awful mood. She weighed me, raised her brows and said nothing, asked about my consumption of caffeine and didn't believe it, went through my history and seemed to get more and more angered all along...
The doctor was male. It was the only one in town that would accept my secondary insurance. I drifted off, found a spot in the ceiling to focus on, heard nothing he said to me apparently... I left like I do so many situations. But when the nurse snapped, "Put your clothes on!" It made everything awful. I started to cry. My mom was in the room with me and I had to wait for a prescription for birth control, as I've been on my period for three months, give or take a day or two. I begged her to take me then. Too many memories from those exact words. The nurse came in and I turned my face. I don't know if she noticed my tear streaked face but when I asked for a kleenex she said, "They are out in the front." Someone brought me one, her or my mother, so someone noticed.
When we left I broke into sobs. My mom tried to comfort me, bought me a soda, offered to take me to lunch, anywhere I wanted to go.
Nothing. I wanted nothing. I knew food wouldn't fix this. So we went to Albertsons and she asked me if it was okay if she bought ice cream which she was craving. Later I ate the whole thing but it didn't solve my problem. I broke into sobs again later saying "If I didn't believe in God I would do myself in. And I've been trying so hard to stop believing but I can't." And I have been. I quit praying months ago. I took off my cross for a few months as well, but felt naked without it. I tell people I don't believe in God anymore when really I do. If anything I believe he has given up on me.
My mom had scheduled her appointment for the same day as well to get it over with. They said she has to get her uterus taken out as soon as possible. My mom said, "Ummm, late August?"
"Next week." She has fibroids and tumors lining it everywhere. And through all this she can be kind to me. The selfish little brat who cries over dumb things, who ate all the fourth of July food and vomited it in the backyard, who drove her to clear all the sweets out of the cabinets this morning, who didn't join in the festivities yesterday because she was scared to be around people...
I must be better. I have got to punish myself for this. I must start being a better person.
4:43 AM - Wednesday, Jul. 06, 2005
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dying - living
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