But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doing Better, Thoughts
I took my insulin today. It was just too hard on this body not to, or rather, the brain. I couldn't concentrate at all, couldn't think, couldn't feel. I drifted farther and farther away. Even my short term memory became cloudy... For instance, I'm not sure if I blacked out while purging this morning. All I know is that my gag reflex quit working as well as my stomach muscles to I was hanging over the toilet bowl socking my stomach with one hand pulling stuff up my throat with the other and suddenly I realized that I didn't realize I was even there. I just was. And later I could barely recall parts of the day... Its too difficult to explain.
So I took my insulin. Lots of it. Kept checking my sugars throughout the day, etc... And I ate about 2,500 calories though I was not hungry, calories that I kept down. I felt nothing while doing so. I didn't feel sad, happy... As if my hypothalamus has been damaged and I feel no emotions.
Today I will not binge. I will take my insulin. Even though there are eight new bags of Amoretto cookies, ten of assorted dipped pretzels, Zebra cakes, mini butter finger bites... I will not touch them. My mom bought them all today. I know she hopes I will keep some of them down, get some nutrients in... She is still in denial. Every diabetic complication I have as a result of my eating disorder she says to the doctors, "She's been ill." No mention of the eating disorder. Ever. Because her precious child would never skip her insulin... Her daughter has a problem, but we don't get "sick" from an eating disorder. I love my mother dearly and I feel awful for her having to worry, but I just wish that she didn't still deny things...
I am rambling again. I watched season three of ER all day, finally took a shower, etc... Last night I cleaned the whole house, top to bottom. It took three hours. One of these days the house is going to explode from clutter. My mom has a hoarding problem. She buys more and more things but throws away nothing. Our garage is stacked to the top with boxes. You can't walk more than four feet into it. I know her stocking on food when it is on sale is just part of that. I just wish I didn't feel so compelled to get rid of it without tossing it out.
I feel constantly drunk. i am not saying what I want to. I just wish... I just wish I was back in my room in Sacramento when I was in recovery before I met people. I wish I could turn back time. I am too afraid to leave the house in this town. Because everyone I know knows. And I can't walk anywhere without seeing an old "friend" from school. The ones that helped destroy my reputation when everything here happened. The ones that are nice to my face but I find out from the few true friends I have who they have been talking to about me. They have been talking to Him. Perhaphs that is why it is all too easy to come home and die. Old memories along with the fact that I almost killed Bailey when I left. I feel that I have a haunted spirit following me, a plague that rubs off onto others. That is why I am staying away. As not to infect them. And because... I don't want them to miss me when I'm gone.
4:13 AM - Friday, Jun. 10, 2005
0 comments
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
dying - living
---------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
