But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Disasterous

I don't even know how to type this. I don't even know what to think, what to say... Because I can't believe it happened.
Last night I get a call. "Gwen! Its an emergency!" Bailey meets me completely strung out, though she denies it. Someone gave her a ride from a party. Apparently her car has also been stolen. She insists on going over to the dealer's house because she tried to buy coke but the man she tried to buy it from was "shady" and snorted it in her car, leaving her there. "Gwen, he snorted it off of my Bible, she cries to me." Actually, she is almost shouting.
"Where is my phone? Someone stole my phone!"
"Its in your pocket." I tell her. It is. She has it, but says its gone. We are now at the dealer's house. I try to get her to walk away, to come home with me, but she insists. This guy was our friend long before we found out he dealed. We accidentally walked in on a deal and that is how we found out.
She cries to him. Then she starts freaking out again. "Are you sure you didn't do anything?" I ask her. She did. Of course.
"No, I just rubbed what was left on my gums."
I try to get her to come back to my place with me. She will not leave. She starts threatening to call up another guy for coke. She starts asking the guys house we are at for some. I glare at him. I know it will happen. I tell her I can't stay for that.
"Stay with me Gwen, just watch me do it. Please."
But I cannot. I cannot be around for that. Because... Because I cannot watch someone ruin their life and idly stand bye. So I walk away.
The next day I awake only four hours after I fell asleep. Groggily but determined, I walk over to his apartment and bang on the door. No answer. I bang harder. Nothing. I call his phone. Nothing. I know they are awake. I call her cell phone. It is off.
Panick...
I wait. There is nothing else to do right now.
So I call a few more people to see if she went over to their house like she said she might. Joseph calls me to see if I have seen her. He is panicked as well.
The time nears 4:30pm. Joseph, me, and two other guys are sitting at my apartment contemplating what to do. Finally, we break in. Joseph scales up the balcony. Joseph is Bailey's fiance.
And there he is, the dealer, asleep in his bed. The bathroom is locked. I try to open it. Not a sound can be heard. Joseph kicks us all out, rightfully so. I am so worried, so worried. Bailey's clothes are scattered across the floor.
By now, ten people are standing outside the door. Five of our girlfriends, about six of our guyfriends. Five minutes later Joseph pulls an incoherent Bailey out the front door. He is dragging her, yelling at her...
They went to the hospital. A few of us talk. We hate the dealer. He is twice our age. He could be our father. He tried to casually say, "What's up Gwen?" to me when I walked home tonight and I ignored him. He got angry and yelled, "So you aren't speaking to me?" Of course not. He knows Bailey is my best friend up here. He knows this. He knows Bailey left the party because she was trying to escape that situation.
And he knows she is engaged.
I thought she was dead.
My only consolation is that I am not really here. I am too much in a fog to be here. I have not eaten more than 500 calories for a week, 200 today.
Punishment. I should have stayed with her. I should have been there...
Joseph is so mad at me.
The words ring in my ears over and over again... "Why didn't you stay with her?" His words. "She could have died Gwen!" They said it to me. Not me. So it is my fault.

2:04 AM - Sunday, May. 08, 2005
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dying - living