But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Alone Again

I went to the health center today. They think I have ghiardia because I have had the runs for so long and I am also running a low grade fever. My pulse was a bit fast standing but not too bad at 130... But all I could think was "I feel fine right now. It isn't now that my heart is bothering me. It is at night..." I told her this too. Tomorrow they said I need to get an EKG and full chem panel, as well as a bunch of stomach tests. Basically I'm going to have to collect my own shit and bring it in to a lab. She said I really need fluids, that my mouth has almost no saliva return, etc... So I might be in the hospital for a few days because of this stomach bug.
And I didn't eat anything today. I thought about it and eventually said, "What is the point? It goes out one end or the other." So nothing. Just Diet Coke has passed these dry lips.
I am back in my own world. My own safe world. Where death is my worst fear. And really, that isn't such a bad thing. I am back in the fog. I cannot concentrate, cannot see right, cannot feel... And its ok. Because pain inflicted by others hurts so much more. So much more than what I do to myself.
But I am scared. I keep swallowing my fear. And my fear keeps my appetite satisfied.
Catch-22.

11:01 PM - Wednesday, May. 04, 2005
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dying - living