But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Exposed

A sky filled with grey clouds, no sunbeams filtering through, cool air...
Another beautiful day fighting off winter.
I slept seventeen hours last night. I cannot remember the last time I slept through the night, much less for so long. I felt wonderful when I woke up, and for once I didn't have dark blue rings under my eyes.
Then my mother called. She informed me that she decided she didn't want me home for spring break, as she will be too busy. I could come if I really felt the need, but it would be a waste of time.
So I am staying here. But I will do something fun. A few of my friends are talking about going to the city to shop; perhaphs I will join them.
Then something odd happened today. I ate dinner around 4:00pm, but my stomach rejected the idea. About six hours later I found myself over the toilet, vomiting remnants of half a burrito that I had consumed at noon.
And there was blood. It was red, so I believe I am safe...
But there was quite a bit. More than I have seen in a long time, perhaphs more than ever. I am trying to eat healthy. I am taking my insulin. I even ate fruit yesterday. (And all who know me know this is a major accomplishment.) I am eating less junk, more salads, cottage cheese, beans, whole grains, and yogurt.
Perhaps I worry too much. Most likely it is nothing.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a guy in my class. We got onto the topic of our majors, and I asked him how come he chose sociology. He told me that he had seen things most never will. Things he wished people to never see. He had seen people shot in drive byes, people die, lived in the worst parts of town...
And he said he didn't want his daughter to ever experience the things he has. That it was horrible, and he wanted her to have a better life. I just listened, and agreed...
But when I went to go to class he saw my arm. The arm with all the scars, the the white and pink lines on soft skin that are too deep and too thick to ever dissappear....
He said, "I will go to class in a few," after that. He sat across the room from me, looking quite shaken up. I caught his eyes watching me at moments, and then looking away.
He must think that I am crazy. I usually do such a good job of hiding my scars. I wear long sleeves, jackets, cross my arms...
But it has been so long since I took a blade to my flesh. I did not think... Never again will I slip. I must be more careful.
I must sleep. My stomach is churning and my esophagus burning. Sleep, the temporary end to all will be my salvation.
Good night. May the stars carry you safely through the night.

1:57 AM - Thursday, Mar. 17, 2005
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dying - living