But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Breaking
The sadness I feel is so strong it physically hurts. I slept all day, praying to not wake up. But eventually I had to. And when I walked out my door Matt was standing there talking to my neighbor with Sheiko. Sheiko, who hates my roommate and who keeps talking about everyone behind their back, Matt who I don't want to see, and my neighbor, who yelled at me one day and took the computer back his brother gave me.
Dizzily, I walked past them, having one destination in mind. The liquor store.
'Ten minutes to closing time, ten minutes to go...' I run partially, but stop after only twenty feet. I haven't taken one unit of insulin today. For the few minutes I woke up once I ate a bit of sugar cereal, and fell back asleep.
The front is lined with bright bags, all carrying the symbols we know and love. Skittles, M&Ms, Heath, Reese's... I look at the check-out line. Most everyone is buying alcohol to binge drink; I am buying candy to binge and purge...
And I do. I realize that today I don't care. I half hope that I do die of a high sugars, keto-acidosis, stomach rupture... As long as no one knows...
I am never going to be anything grand. I am never going to be a doctor. I lack the brains. I will never be kind enough...
And that makes me worthless.
Bailey came over last night around 3:00am... Joseph had thrown her father's engagement ring, the one thing she really had left of him, out the window. I was in bed watching a movie at the time, trying to bring my sugar up, which was still running low.
Standing there in the rain, she stood strong, not crying. And then she broke.
Because sometimes pain is too strong to handle. Too much to take on. And pain is all too much.
I wish I could cry. I wish I didn't believe in God. It is mainly because of my faith in God that I do not commit suicide. I finally quit believing in Jesus; now I just have to quit believing.
11:50 PM - Friday, Mar. 04, 2005
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dying - living
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