But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Stupidness

I want to drift into unconciousness, awake only when this meloncholia subsides. But no, I don't have the days. The time will not allow for that. In a few weeks our final in English is due, with twenty work-cited articles included. Another paper in political science with our opinion on the draft, five pages, due in three weeks. Tests every three weeks. One to two essays at least once a week. Four to six sections of math at least once a week... And I chose to do my English final on embryonic stem-cell research, and its potential.
That is not an English essay...
My sugars are becoming erratic. I find less reason to check them four times a day. I know the patterns; during the day in the upper 100's to 200's, at night perhaps low...
Right now I am crashing. I ate seven candy bars and a super burrito, after not eating breakfast and lunch. Then Marissa said we should go out to eat. So we did. I didn't really plan on bingeing. Afterwards, I decided it best to drown myself in a world of candy...
Seven candy bars, twenty units of insulin. (I keep having to backspace) I can feel my sugar crashing. I purged not ten minutes after the injection, feeling sick after so much food.
My weight was lower than this morning. I do not care about the weight. I do not care about anything. I do not care about life. I do not care. I am worthless. Too worthless to care about...
117 ten minutes ago...
84 mg now...
I remember when I used to get really low, my aunt and uncle would accidentally ask me to do something before I got some juice, like help my cousin pick up some toys, etc... A song developed out of it... "How low can you go before your blood sugar goes kapoa...!?"" It was longer..."
I guess it is getting low enough now... 68...
It drops 10mg every 5 minutes.. I was over 500 at ten pm...
I feel like my brain is filled with nothing.

11:12 PM - Thursday, Mar. 03, 2005
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dying - living