But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Treacherous Acts

Someone persistently knocks on the door. Shouts are heard. It is Shiko* with her boyfriend, who claims to be part of the Russian Mafia, and another guy. I am used to this. I keep studying. They yell. "You fucking bitch!" Shiko screams, "Where is my camera?" Finally, they leave.
I come out of my room. They had barged into Ru's bedroom and searched it, apparently pinning her against the wall while they did so. UPS dropped off Shiko's camera here, and Ru brought it to apartment, leaving it on the front porch. Apparently it was never recieved.
They leave. They come back and bang on the door. I think, "Why didn't I come out of my room? Why am I so frightened of the smallest of things sometimes? Why didn't I do something?" We call the police. They say we can't really do anything, until I question them about Ru's rights. "Well, she can press charges, but that is about it."
Yes, I am a being to be despised. I sleep constantly, live on Diet Dr.Pepper and M&Ms, and have no gut. When trouble arrises, I truly cannot step up to the plate. I always back down. I always give in. One wrong look, one shout, and I will bow down, do as you say.
And even harder things to deal with are coming up in this area. I wanted to call Matt and scream at him today, call him a fucking pig, tell him to leave my friends alone... But I lost the nerve. First he raped Baley. She was badly bruised, all over her body. The next day she came to me crying, unsure of what to do. I tried to get her to at least talk to someone, but she wouldn't; she could not.
The evasive entries in my diary: I didn't want to drink a few weeks ago, and Matt tried to convince me. I felt safe around him, because he always told me that he was just my friend. He asked me why I truly moved away from Helltown, and I refused to tell him.
"Come on Gwen, tell me. It is the one thing I don't know about you."
This is true. The one thing I haven't told my "friends" is why I left. Finally, he coaxed me into it. I decided he would be too sloshed to remember it in the morning.
So I tell him. I tell him how I was raped in Helltown, and how the guy now goes to the college there. I choked back tears, out memories flooding to the surface.
"Now you really need a drink," He said. So I drank. A few beers, as quickly as possible. Then a few more until I was woozy.Then a few more.
"We are going to have sex tonight," he told me. I laughed. A joke. Matt comes over all the time. Nothing ever happens. We never even kissed.
Later, when the party dies, he comes to my apartment, as usual. There he frequently stays until sober enough to drive. We fall crash on my bed, which is also not unusual. Next thing I know, he is whispering to me to take my pants off. And I do, mostly asleep. And then he is inside of me...
Soon it is over. Halfway through I sobered up, shocked and humiliated. He sprayed cum all over my back, and said, "Gotta go. I call you."
My thoughts were, "Don't bother asshole. You are shit. I don't want to deal with you.Go!"
And instead I meekly replied, "Okay." A slave to man. The whole time he didn't kiss me once...
Baley said, "You have to pay extra to kiss a prostitute." A sting to my heart. Shove it down. Eat more M&Ms. Delve into politics...
Until today. Today when Marissa called me and said, "Matt was all over me, telling me how hot I was, how much he wants me..."
Marissa has a boyfriend, and a respectable one. I wanted to call Matt up and scream, "You f'ng cunt, just stay away from my friends!"
And I did nothing. I will be silent in this plan; I have to. The majority of my friends aren't speaking to him... And now he is constantly at Ashley and Cassie's house, lingering, waiting to pounce...
I have to do something. Otherwise, I have validation for becoming nothing at all.

2:58 AM - Wednesday, Mar. 02, 2005
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dying - living