But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Friday Scares

It is so odd, to have days like these. I hate to even type about them. For the past week I have been sick. Sick because I ran out of my Protonix, a medication for acid reflux disease. So every morning I found my head in the toilet bowl, whether I ate anything or not. Needless to say, school was not attended. By Tuesday I got the hang of it, and started to eat dry cereal and bread in the afternoon in small portions. By Thursday, my weight was down 4.5 pounds. And it hit me.
"I don't have to take my Protonix. I could just take my Zofran before school, so I don't vomit. Then I would be too sick to eat, but I wouldn't throw up at school."
And today, I binged on cereal at night. Before I was managing to eat at least 1,200 calories to 1,800 calories even when I wasn't feeling ill.(This is a big difference you have to understand, because my metabolism allows for 3,500-4,000 calories/day) Then, today, at only 400 by 9:00pm, overloaded with worthless phrases from textbooks, I binged on cereal. I didn't purge, just ate 1,400 calories in cereal...
The panic keeps me alert, though it is 4:00am. I can't sleep. I should run. I know it is nonsense. I know this will ruin everthing I have worked for...
But one of my roommates constantly complains about her weight, making remarks about how fat she is. She has lost at least twenty pounds, and is nearly skeletal. Rarely do I see her put anything to her lips but tea, and constantly is she leaving to the gym.
It is everywhere. In my mind, in my apartment, in college, in set standards...
"To be beautiful you must be thin!"
Logically I know that thin is never thin enough. It is an illusion. Thin doesn't buy you happiness. Starvation only buys hunger, fatigue, sorrow, and yes, thinnes. It also buys hair loss, bone loss, vitamin deficincies...etc.. and eventually leads to bingeing. And you aren't happy.
So why does my mind keep leading me, year after year, to this quest for thinness? There is nothing to attain in it.
I used to say that I had complete control of my mind. Now I doubt that I even know my mind, or what it will contrive to destroy me next.
It is a battle, mind against body. And I am losing my mind over it some days, some days losing my body. Currently I am too well to lose, so I live in fear of losing. I won't lose my life to that battle again; I can't.

4:03 AM - Saturday, Feb. 26, 2005
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dying - living