But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scattered Mind

I keep trying to ignore it, ignore it as I do everything else, but I can't. For the past few weeks I have been feeling ill, not quite myself, with stomach upsets and sore throats. Now I suppose it has been almost two months...
And today it hit me hard. I woke up, at a cerreal bar, and ran to the bathroom. Dark brown, almost black swirly water as I shook steamed up from the porcelain bowl. Lately my stomach is always upset. A raging fire burning in my gut, the flames licking my esophegus.
Perhaphs I am overstressed, but with what?
I should go... I have so much to say, too much in fact. I am ashamed of myself, ashamed that I don't care about my body, ashamed that I have no self respect. I seem to come off as I do, but I don't. I will, with enough pushing, let any guy have me as he so desires. Because I don't care.
I do, but I don't. Not enough...
And, forgive me, but I hate them every second. Their odor, breath reeking of alcohol, their beliefs, thoughts...
"All girls are sluts. They all need to be fucked." (Matt)
"If you aren't white you aren't worth my time. White people are the people I care about. The rest can go to hell." (Joseph)
And they aren't the only ones. I speak against it, I get angry, sometimes I even cry. More at the latter than the former. The former doesn't bother me as much...
Because I am what they say. I will be anything you want me to be.
Someday I will be great, or nothing at all.

12:03 AM - Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005
0 comments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

dying - living