But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Never Turn Away

Just when you think all is fine, stand your guard. Because one slip can equal a fall. And you really aren't more than your eating disorder. You many think you are, and just when the world seems fine, darkness descends.
The jeans are too tight, the sweater too small, the ass too big... I look in the mirror... That really isn't me, is it?
The hands reach for bread. Just a slice, though lunch was already consumed. Just a bit of Nutella, as Shallow Hal blares on the telly. Just a few more slices, you will be fine...
And soon half of the Nutella is gone, and half a loaf of bread. God, what else was consumed? The stomach churns in disgust and revolt. The mouth tastes only the sweet, sticky syrup that means one thing: the blood is thick with glucose.
And like a stranger, someone long forgotten, an old friend beckoning comes the thought you push away hourly. "Just puke it up! God, you feel like shit, so just vomit already."
And so you do. Another trip to the bathroom, head back in the borcelain bowl. How long has it been? We are like two lovers, sometimes separated but always together. I am never lonely with you, you beckon me in the night. But you are always there. You keep me hostage, and I fight. If you trap me again you may never let me go. So I must fight.
That was yesterday afternoon, tis noon again, and I haven't touched a bite. I must, if I dare keep up this fight. Or I could let the stranger take me back, and it would be as if I had never left at all...

12:54 PM - Monday, Jan. 31, 2005
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dying - living