But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Fighting the Mind
I have got to be the stupidest person on earth at times. I tried to change around my pin code, made my phone unaccessable, hit a bunch of other numbers, and now my SIM card is blocked. I called Cingular and the lady on the phone laughed at me, saying, "You did what?! Next time you need to call us!"
I felt stupid, but it was a bit funny. Then I called my mother, who completely chewed me out, and told me I am not getting a new SIM card, and that I can just go without a phone. Since the plan is under her name I can't go without her permission. She also told me that I can't go to Los Angeles without my cell phone, which I was leaving for on Saturday to see some friends.
As I sit typing this I feel a bit ill, having just binged on a package of chicken, four pieces of bread, and bag of Oreos. I don't know what I was planning to do when I was done bingeing, what I was thinking when I began... except that I wasn't considering the consequences of it all. And now, now I don't know what I am to do. Perhaphs I will lie down, take my insulin, and fall asleep, though that sounds almost as excruciating as purging, if not more. Though I am typing, rambling on and on not to purge, considering taking my insulin, even though I consumed 5,000 calories, and it is all so difficult.
I know I must. I am in recovery. I am getting better. And though I am strong, I am still not strong enough to pick and choose, and probably never will be. When I was in UCLA during the summer, there was a very funny girl who called it "bulimia light" but we all agreed that that isn't truly possible.
I better go. My neighbor is trying to discuss the electrical sockets with me, and I can feel my blood sugar rapidly becoming higher.
Please take care of yourselves. You are all stars.
6:39 PM - Thursday, Jan. 13, 2005
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dying - living
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