But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Getting Back On My 2 Feet
I didn't wake up until 2:00 in the afternoon, and would have most likely slept later if it wasn't for a nasty call from my mother. "Gwen, you called London, Ontario?!" You owe me $30.00! It costs a dollar a minute to call there." On and on she goes, and I reach my hand under the bed, grabbing an unopened package of Oreos. I eat 1/3 of the package before she quits chewing me out, telling me how much I owe her, threatening to turn off my phone, etc...
My brother used to ring up bills $300 to $900 every month on his cell phone, and my mom didn't say much. Once he yelled back at her about how difficult his life was she immediately apologized. Later she calls me about the package with my insulins I was supposed to recieve, and has me call the postal service. They say they will deliver it tomorrow.
When I call her back she is on the other phone with my aunt and I can hear her complaining about me. "Everything is such a struggle with her. She makes everything go wrong. If I send her the money for the books it won't be enough, she will mess it up... She always finds a way to mess it up! I am so tired of her."
She then gets on the phone with me and irritably says, "What is it Gwen?"
"I don't need any money! I just won't go to school."
I hang up and think to myself how I can save money. How she is always complaining about me. How will I make it these next months?
Today I am trying. I took my insulin, even after the Oreos. I contemplated it, decided I must, because I felt weak and sweaty, so quickly drained from lack of it. How fast I decline whereas before I could go weeks before the symptoms of poor health set in. I need to get back on track. Each time it gets a bit harder to relapse. Each time my body can't handle it as well. And though I am strong I know I am not unbreakable. Though I step on the scale and see I am down three pounds and a rush runs through me, making it almost worth it, making the nausea, weakness, sadness, everything seem worth it, I know that one day I will snap.
And then I will die, and have never achieved what I thought I wanted.
5:49 PM - Wednesday, Jan. 12, 2005
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dying - living
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