But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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I Give Up

I Posted pics under People and Placed on my links
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I have fallen fast, fallen hard. This is the first time I have admitted it to myself, even as I type it. I spent the day bingeing on cookies, muffins, crab...
I skipped my insulin, purged in the toilet and later down the shower drain. I did not care. I removed the drain and bent over as if it was the most normal thing to do.
But it isn't normal. It isn't the answer to life's problems. And it won't bring me happiness.
I look in the mirror and I see the yellowed teeth, the too big nose, vomit colored hair... And the body. The hideous body. It should be the picture next to entry in the dictionary for the word disgusting.
Shiko* comes home and asks, "Did you throw up?" I lie, but guilt is written on my face. Of course I did. Even with our slight language barrier, she understands. I underestimated how much she knew.
"My best friend in Japan, she threw up all the time. And she is in the hospital. She ate so much, she couldn't control her appetite. And she always threw up. She won't talk to me, or anyone. She is always in the hospital. She is always sick..."
I feel so guilty. I wish to console her, to say something to make it seem like everything will be okay, but in truth, nothing is ever completely fine with this disorder.
We pick ourselves up, stronger than before, soldiers fighting the everlasting battle. And just when we seem to have won, we are hit from behind, and we fall again...
And it feels sometimes it feels so good to hurt so bad. To fall so hard. To know that you are slowly killing yourself. To give up, to give in. Because you were never winning anything. You can't win when you can't see what you are fighting.

3:22 AM - Tuesday, Jan. 11, 2005
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dying - living