But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Binge, Vomit, Omit Insulin... And for What?
I feel like I am at a crossroads now. I must now choose what to do. I am standing on the fork in the road. I can go down the road I know, or I can travel down the road I have never been...
I spent most of today bingeing and purging. I woke up with a low sugar of 46, and ended up bingeing. To compensate I took fifteen units of Novalog. A few hours later I woke up with a sugar of 59.
'I can't do this. I can't keep bingeing. I can't keep gaining weight. I can't stand who I see in the mirror anymore...'
But I continued to binge. I ate six blueberry muffins, a loaf of white bread, the rest of the cereal, granola bars, tortillas, cookies... And I chased it all down with two liters of Carb Countdown, and two glasses of milk.
The agony. I hadn't taken my insulin since that morning. Barely able to stand up, I walked to the bathroom. I had to vomit. I could not even walk straight.
Vomit quickly spewed out of my stomach into the toilet bowl, on the floor, the wall, and everything else within four feet. I still felt something inside of me. Rinsing with water, I quickly vomited again until the comforting taste of bile met my tongue.
Again, I walked into the kitchen. Again, I proceeded to binge. A repeat of before. My throat is raw, but I feel strangely satisfied. Less anxious than usual, and on an exhilerating high from the endorphins.
But I know that it won't last. For the first time since I started this diary I downloaded my entries, and read through the first ones.
I cannot go back to that. I cannot go back to going to bed at night, not sure if my heart will stop, the bills, lethargy, the constant thirst, weakness, and hunger.
The hunger and thirst were the worst. I could eat and drink forever, and never be satisfied. And I was so incredibly weak. I was sure my legs would turn to dust below me, at my worst.
And one day it will be too late. I have been blessed so far, but one day I will run out of chances.
2:14 AM - Monday, Jan. 10, 2005
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dying - living
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