But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Matt and Joseph came over last night. Matt told me that he loves me, and that Baley and his cousin are much better together. Later they started to drink. Baley left for a bit and came back spun. "Where did you get the money for that!?" I asked her. She told me it was a Christmas present in her slurry speech. I decided to drink a beer, since it was obvious that they were all going to be staying here, as well as Shiko and one of her friends, and two other guys, one named Jake and the other Steven. Matt became very cruel to Baley, and started to call her names, yelling at her for cheating on him with his cousin. Matt tried to kiss me, telling me that it was over with Baley, and I told him no, that even if I did love him I could never hurt a friend like that. Steve tried to kiss me while we were sitting by the fire, and I turned away. Matt and Joseph fought out in the parking lot around 4:00am, and caused a mess. Joseph realized he really likes Baley, and they fell asleep next to the fire, after Matt and Steve got a ride home. Shiko and her friend crashed in her bed, and Jake fell asleep on my bed. I would have sent them home, but I couldn't. Images of smashed cars and and disesemboled body parts flashed before my eyes. I stayed up and watched them, wondering why all this had to happen.
At 9:00am I heard a loud knock. It was the apartment manager.
"We do not accept parties here! Do you think your neighbors appreciate the noise? Look at this mess! I don't appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night."
I said, "I'm sorry. They were my friends, you are right. And I will clean it up." There was a smashed beer bottle and cigarette butts littering the downstairs patio.
"Sorry doesn't cut it! You need to grow up. I grew up twenty years ago. One more thing, and you are evicted. That goes on your permanent record. Then, in seven years, when you are grown up and have a nice job, you won't be able to live in a descent place! You will live on the lower southside!"
"I am sorry and it won't..."
"Oh, grow up! You kids these days. Everything comes so easy to you, and you don't even think or work!"
I wanted to cry. Not because I got yelled at, but because I want so much for that to be true. I suddenly wanted to scream at her, "Easy!? You think it is easy having an eating disorder and diabetes? Having permanent heart problems and osteoperosis, and mild retinopothy? Spending most of your life in hospitals? Having your whole family lie to you about what is yours, and always trying to send you away?"
But I couldn't. And suddenly, the Reese's Fastbreak that I was so proud of for eating half of and keeping down earlier didn't matter. And I just grabbed a broom and cleaned up the mess. No one called me today. Baley won't call me. Joseph and Matt haven't called. And I need to talk to them...
$100 was missing from my purse today. That is the last of my money for this month. I have $40 for the rest of the month, and I still need to buy some presents. I hate how they think I have money, they think I am wealthy. Because I have an apartment and I don't work. But I scrounge. I don't buy new clothes every month like they do, I don't get a new computer every Christmas, or all the CDs and cars I want. I don't have endless Starbucks cards or my own Visa linked to my parent's account...
And I tell them this, and they don't believe me. Or they don't care. So now I am going to have to ration my food for the rest of the holiday. And knit scarves for presents. I have never been this sad during Christmas before. It was the one holiday I lived for every year.
So the Christmas present must have come from the $100 that went for coke.

7:19 PM - Friday, Dec. 17, 2004
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dying - living