But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.
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Going, going...
"To be honest, I would like you to go in the hospital. I would feel so much better if you were there." The words spoken by my endocrinologist. My HbA1c has gone up to 11.5 from 7.3 in one month. I am in moderate to severe DKA. I am severely dehydrated. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I didn't want to go to the appointment today. I wanted to just lie in bed, sleep, binge and purge, and stay prisoner of my own depression. My friend Baley* dragged me out of bed, began to dress me, and told me that I was going to the doctors.
Because her dad died of diabetes.
But I didn't want to go. Because I just ate half a jar of peanut butter and a whole box of graham crackers, along with some ice cream. I just wanted to go to the restroom and vomit. Stick my hand down my throat, heave, puke, and forget that I exist. Because I don't really care anymore. I just want to give in, give up...
I don't know what to say. I could tell you how I spent over $150 on food since Wednesday night, or how I know I failed my midterms because even though I study I might as well be reading another language.
I could also tell you my dark side. How my ex-boyfriend came over and crawled into bed with me, and we had sex. And I just hoped he would leave, because he usually does. Because that will usually make him leave. And how he told me that I can't make him leave, and to get rid of him I will have to move far away... And how I skipped my period.
I told him it was really over. And I called my mom crying, because I don't know if I can stay here. I asked her if I could come home to die. She told me I couldn't, that I have to go to school. I began to cry, and she told me that if things became horrible I would always have a place to live there.
I think I am going insane...
I know I need to stop. But I can't. I am so caught in this cycle. I can't bring my sugars down too fast, because I will drop my potassium too low. I can't run them too high, because I will run my potassium too high. And either way, I could go into cardiac arrest. In a way I wish it would happen and everything would end. My doctor told me this, and this is why he wants me in medical. This is all takes more self-control than I have.
My only fear is I would be revived, not that I would die.
I feel death in every way. It suffocates me. I cannot see clearly. Light hurts my eyes. My muscles hurt. I feel this, but I am an observer. I am nothing. Floating, dissasociating, not really here..
12:04 a.m. - 2004-10-16
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dying - living
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