But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Because I Can...Eat Pizza I ate pizza... I actually put pizza on my menu and I ate it. And I was okay with it. When was the last time I could say that? I am not happy with my body, not in the least, but I am still perservering in recovery. It is difficult, yes. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed, some days I crawl back into bed as soon as I get the chance. But I know that I am making progress. For the first time in my life since I started my eating disorder I have been able to go out by myself and not do anything detrimental to my health or recovery. Even at Center for Discovery I would sometimes binge on my passes, or I would at least have the urge to. But not here, not now. Talking about my trauma issues has helped quite a bit. I am now able to realize that I am not comparable to Hitler, and that I am not responsible for all of the world's problems. Therefore I do not deserve to be constantly punished. I will not lie. I still feel like doing something to cause myself pain, especially when I see myself in the mirror, get dressed, or even walk around. But I know that I am doing better. And I know that someday I will reach a point where I can actually accept myself. I have a meeting with Dr.Strober tomorrow. I need to discuss why I would rather stay here instead of going to another hospital. I fear the man almost as much as God himself, because he makes all of my life's decision's right now, and is very hard to read. But I will do it. Tears will not well up in my eyes as they did last time, nor will I become suddenly speechless. Can you believe, this is me? I am actually healthy. I am more capable of asserting myself. And I am actually going to ask for a longer stay, instead of transferring hospitals... Something I feel I do not deserve, really, but enough so that I at least have the courage to ask. Because this is my life. And I want to be able to live it. To make a difference in the world. To help, and not be helpless. To everyone I owe a letter, I am so sorry. I will write you back, but programming gives no free time. Thank you so much for all your kind words. I cherish them always. "Shoot for the moon, and if you miss, you are bound to fall amongst the stars." 9:30 p.m. - 2004-06-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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