But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Veiled Hope I am home. It was a long journey. I got on the wrong train, as I was suppossed to be heading on the south bound train. I somehow got on the one going north. It was too early for me. When the conductor told me, my heart began to race. I did the first thing that I always seem to do when I panick. I ate. Luckily I had given away most of my food to people who had asked for some in the station that morning. My aunt had sent me with tons to be on my way with, since last time I took the train home I spent $25 on food. (I was ill most of the ride back that time) Luckily I was able to get my ticket switched in Martinez and made it home safely. My vacation was fun, but stressful. I had to think about what colleges I wanted to attend, which lead me to thinking how I truly have no life skills at all. I need to learn to drive, to get a checking account, credit card, and a job. I need my health. Sometimes I wish death would wisk me away in the night, save me from life, end this fear of mine. I am so afraid of life that I wish for death. But I also love life. Ironically, being so close to death has made me appreciate it more. I no longer take breathing for granted, because I know what it feels like to have no breath of your own. But if I know I need my health, why can I not stop? I binge. I eat as many carbohydrates as my stomach can hold, and then I drink gallons of diet soda to flush it all out. My urine reeks of glucose. I feel weak, parched, and like a veil is hanging over the world. The veil is my eating disorder. At night I wake up and vomit in the porelaine bowl, quitly, jamming my fist into my stomach, using the other hand to gag myself, I let my life swim before my eyes, and I see how far I have fallen. I am terrified of the acts I commit every second that I am concious, yet in a perverse way I look forward to them. I look forward to the punishment that I commit on my body, as if it will rid me of my evil and leave me as a pure human being, like virgin snow on a Christmas day. But I know this isn't so. That it is all a lie. A deadly lie. So I fight it. And it is two of me, equal because they are me, fighting. And because of this I hang between the lines, dying, fighting for life,... Who will be the stronger of the two? There must be a reason. I will live to help others, and that will make me a better person... Right? *************************************** I am going to UCLA on Friday. I will get the address for those of you who are interested ASAP. A very special thanks to Alison for the lovely graduation package, and to Sarah as well for the Crystal Light and book. Thank you to Claire for updating for me while I was away, and to all of those of you who leave me wonderful messages. Without you I don't think I could have hung on to hope for so long.
11:34 p.m. - 2004-04-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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