But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Acknowledgements. Thank you, my lovely Claire, for updating for me. I have missed you all, and I am sorry for any worry that I have caused. My computer caught a worm virus, one that eats a new file every 24 hours, so it eventually crashed. But I am okay... UCLA says it won't be long until I am admitted. They cannot give me a date. I am hanging on, holding on to this news as my bit of strength to survive, another attempt at recovery, another attempt at life. My days have become nothing. No obligations except one college class now that I have graduated, no therapy, nothing really. I sleep, walk to the fridge, binge, drink tons of fluids, go back to sleep, sometimes purge, take an injection, restrict, sleep... All for what? To consume my time? To consume my being? I no longer know. I should be losing weight, but I am not. I am doing all the things that usually lead me to lose weight, but instead I am gaining. I have gained quite a bit. It is scaring me. I want to scream out, to cry, but I stay quiet. I show no signs of any ailment, I stay calm. No one must know... I am fine. I must be fine... But I am not. I am plagued by nightmares during the night, nightmares about death, abandonment, mockery... During the day I am plagued by hunger, thoughts of food, and depression as I look at my body, feel the fat creeping over my bones, feeling the weakness that consumes me... Knowing that I am nothing, so I should be nothing. That I should not take up space, eat or drink, or speak... But I keep gaining weight, gaining space, gaining hate. The only safe time is dawn, between darkness and light, when I can sleep in peace, when there are no dreams, when I don't know that I have an eating disorder, because I am asleep. When I sleep, I do not have to know who I am to recognize myself... I do not have to acknowledge me. 12:19 a.m. - 2004-04-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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