But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's Claire... Hey everyone, this is Claire. Gwen asked me to update her diary for her. She hasn't been able to get online because her computer has crashed, but e-mailed me from her grandparents house. She would have updated herself but was worried about diaryland showing up in the history. Anyway, this is what she wanted to say; "UCLA said it would be a few days, now they are saying a few weeks, as their sensus is still full. I am trying to hang on, but it is so hard. One of my old friends stopped by a few days ago and cried at the sight of me. "You have lost so much weight," She said. She told me that I shouldn't go back into treatment. That I have been in too many times, that I am smart enough to do it on my own. I cried. I could feel myself losing another friend. We sat on the street curb talking in the warm summer heat, the sun pouring down on us, but all around the world seemed cold and black. The doctors say I will die if I don't get treatment. My body is too unstable. As if to prove this to itself, my body got very ill yesterday. I knew I needed a shot, but I was too weak to get out of bed. Finally I did. My mom woke up at the same time as I, and right as she said "Good morning Gwennie!" (For once in a good mood) I vomited everywhere. I was in the middle of taking an injection, needle in my arm, when food from fourteen hours before spewed across my bed, nightstand, rug, garbage pail, duffel bag, clothes, and insulin. I lay in my brother's bed, ill all day, heart racing, sweat pouring down my body, hot, then cold, knowing it was all due to DKA. From not taking my insulin. From bingeing and purging. So I forced myself to take it. And I gained four pounds. And it infuriated me. Why can my body not do as I want it to? Why am I not in control? I want to be beautiful. I want to be thin. I want to be healthy and intelligent. I want to learn to surf, to be a doctor, to live on the ocean... But I can do none of that as long as I am me..." I am very worried about her, but hopefuly a place at UCLA will become available for her soon. I want nothing more for her to get better, build strength, and to oneday look in the mirror and see the Gwennie we all see. The amazing, beautiful and talented Gwen. I'm sure she would love to receive some e-mails from all of you. She is missing everyone on here alot, and can't wait to get back online and catch up with her favourite diaries. xo 1:39 p.m. - 2004-03-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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