But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humiliation Nausea, weakness, parched mouth, split lips, weak legs.... Sweat, pouring off of me. Sinus infection. I am too sick to do anything, yet I cannot pass up a trip to the grocery store. Inject insulin, take some Zofran.... Go to Vons. Try to shop. Impossible. Weakness consumes me. Mom takes me back to Urgent Care. The lab is closed there. They want me to go to the ER and get admitted through there. Impossible. I refuse. "Do you want to die? Do you want to go into a coma?" The doctor, a young man, he knows nothing of my life... With a sudden rush of adrenalin I bolt out of there, tears streaming down my face. Why I do not know. I never have fevers. Could it be that? The beta-blockers? I have never left against medical advice like that. My mom drives up next to me. I am pouring sweat, shaking. Fearing she will take me back, I refuse to get in until she reassures me that we are going home. But she tells me that I may have ruined my chances for UCLA once they see I left AMA. And I feel like an utter fool... I want to hide away, duck in a dark hole, read forever, forget myself... She told them I had an eating disorder. He said, "Hmmm... That would explain it." And I can never show my face there again. My infamous face of the hospital... Shattered hearts, don't cry, a pool of tears, shame yourself, a humiliation, hide away, dissappear.... Be gone... 12:34 a.m. - 2004-02-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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